The Vulcaseal

Anna was strolling, almost slightly jumping forward in pace like an excited rabbit—smiling, feeling blessed—thinking about the gospel their pastor had discussed that morning, studying some points and pondering how she might use those in her life.  It was a sunny but not-that-piercing day when she came out of the church so she decided to take a walk home. She was wearing a macramé hat, a pair of sneakers, and a white shirt covered with brown cardigan that complements the design of her conservative looking long skirt.  Overall, one may think her getup was like of Mandy Moore in one of her movies.  Every so often, she goes to church.  She graduated in bible school with commendable ratings.  Spending time with God through prayers is her thing.

The street was dusty, and the road was filled with hasty and noisy vehicles—mostly tricycles—but she didn’t mind.  Finally, after ten minutes, she arrived home.  She lives with her parents and three siblings.  Her father, the breadwinner, works in their small farm a mile away from their place.  She turned the computer on and read some reading assignments.  “A good day to start the week.” she thought.  She felt this comfortable setting hoping not to have any problems for the rest of the days to come but she’s not positive about it.  She always anticipates bad things.

She is a very simple person—dreams to become a CPA someday.  Inside the campus, she’s so different.  She’s the shy type and the conventional one.  She doesn’t like talking with guys, in fact, she’s avoiding them if possible.  She admits to be a man hater and with that, so often, is misinterpreted by her other classmates.  She has no boyfriend since birth and doesn’t have plans to have one.  She lacks confidence.  She always feels discomfort whenever she thinks everyone is looking at her and she doesn’t like to be appreciated for her outfit or her looks or on something/everything she does.  She’s weird in some ways.  Every leisure time, she reads books.  Though she’s not leading the rankings, she likes accounting and would die if she could not read any topics a day.

Zia asked her out for some college party but she refused.  Zia’s her friend since then.  She is a slim tall woman with Chinese eyes, Malayan complexion, and a very dominant Filipino customs.  She’s also a bookworm but doesn’t like accounting that much—prefers reading novels that are horror-love story in nature.  Though that’s the case, ironically, she leads the class in major subjects—serious enough that made her the best quizzer the university has ever had.  Anna likes her.  I mean, they like each other though sometimes Zia shows insensitivity in her talks, in contrast with Anna, the Miss Sensitivity.  So far, they never had any serious misunderstandings instead, they spend lots of time together, studying and taking funny stuffs.  Last time they availed an eat-all-you-can buffet at the mall’s food court.  They careered the buffet’s promo and picked everything they wanted to eat as if they weren’t afraid of the rule that if they will not able to eat the entirety they got, they will pay everything.  The expected thing happened; they almost did not finish—but then after some moments of concentration, their plates were like licked clean.  That time they both went home full as if they ate a whole roasted buffalo.

(Then I could not think of the next… maybe someday.)

November 3, 2013

Two Days of Rain

Frailty besmirched my all

As this realm vomits me out of its dominion

Now I’m lost in doubts; in fear I crawl

Anxious, dread two days of rain

My heart is pierced by this bitterness I deserve

I am accused, I am blamed, I am cursed

This prejudice that grieves me unjustly

Chastises me in two days of rain

Crushed between the obelisks of despair

And inflicted with anguish no one can bear

Here, still prevents me to depart from this pain

Tormenting me even now… this two days of rain

This agony excruciates within my soul for the sin I have not done

How will everyone know I’m not the one to blame?

Will anyone stop judging me for the infraction I’m innocent of?

It’s two days now, and it’s still raining.  Stop. Please. :(

When a Lizard Can, Why Can't We?

In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan breaks open the wall. Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls. When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside hammered into one of its feet. He sees this, feels pity, and at the same time curious, as when he checked the nail, it was nailed 5 years ago when the house was first built! What happened?  The lizard has survived in such position for 5 years!  In a dark wall partition for 5 years without moving, it is impossible and overwhelming.  Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 5 years without moving a single step--since its foot was nailed! Therefore, he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it has been doing, and what and how it has been eating.

Later, not knowing from where it came appears another lizard, with food in its mouth. Ah! He was stunned and touched deeply. For the lizard that was stuck by nail, another lizard has been feeding it for the past 5 years... imagine? It has been doing that untiringly for five long years, without giving up hope on its partner. Imagine what a small creature can do that a creature blessed with a brilliant mind can't.

(Adapted)

Panaghoy ni Amik

To March This March... or Not[.][?]

Yesterday, I heard so many sentiments from my classmates and true, they were afraid not to graduate together.  I understand their grounds, yes. Their parents and their relatives are expecting them to graduate this March.

The thing that I noticed was the thought of not letting each other flank.  Why? That was not a matter of camaraderie, of friendship, or of being together—that was more of self-interest.  The speaker yesterday admitted (as I saw it in how she spoke and moved) that it would be hard for her to graduate because of her grade standings that was why she wanted the smart ones to have their ways in talking to the professors (this style was effective last year).  This simple slip of her tongue made her sound so desperate.  That day, desperation was the only way to clear things up… whether all of them will march this March or not.

(February 22, 2014)

Bakit nga Ba? by Kreyan

Paano nga ba ang mawalan?
Ano nga bang pakiramdam ng maiwan?
Ilang beses ko na nga ba 'tong naranasan?
Paulit-ulit, nakakamanhid na nga kung minsan.

Bakit ba quoting-quota ako sa mga ganitong kwento
Bakit ba parating kailangan kong mabigo?
Masyado bang nakakatuwa na ako’y nanlulumo
Sa sakit ng paulit-ulit na saki'y pagsuko?

Masakit maiwan, alam naman natin yon
Maiwan ng minamahal o ng kaibigan gawa ng pagkakataon
May nagpapaalam, may bastang naglalaho
Walang pasabing mawawala, bakit ganon ako kadaling isuko??

Bangungot ang inaabot ko sa t’wing maaalala ko ang mga nangyari
Paulit-ulit ang mga kataga, ibang paraan ng pagsasabi
Wala pa akong planong matulog kahit malalim na ang gabi
Tiyak maaabutan na naman ako ng umaga kakahikbi

Paulit-ulit nga ang lahat pero bakit di pa rin ako nasasanay
Pareho pa rin ang sakit, parang kailan lang nung ako sayo'y nawalay
Madalas akong tumataghoy, sa labas naka tambay
Binubuga ang mga inerhiyang sakin ay nagpapatamlay

Napakadaming rason para ako ay maging masaya
Anjan ang Diyos, pamilya, kaibigan at iba pa
Wala naman kasing titigil na mundo pag nasaktan ang isang tao
Kailangang magpatuloy lang kahit ang daan ay mukhang Malabo

Masayang magising na alam mong madaming nagmamahal sa’yo, 
Dagdagan pa ng mga halama't bulaklak na bumubungad pag labas mo
Ang bawat hampas ng hangin na yumayakap sa’yong puso
Mga bagay na pumapawi sa bigat ng buo mong pagkatao..

Balang araw makakalimutan ko ang mga nangyari
Susubok ako ulit at magbabaka sakali
Maaaring ako’y sumaya na sa aking pakiwari
Ngunit maaaring masaktan muli, pero pangako, sasaya ako at makakabawi.

Balang Araw by Kreyan

Madalas akong kiligin sa mga palabas na napapanuod ko
Madalas akong kiligin sa mga kwentong nababasa ko
Madalas sa madalas, nagtatagal ito
Minsan nga, tumatagos hanggang kaibuturan ko

Yung pakiramdam na t'wing may nakakakilig
May mararamdaman akong sayang nakakakiliti
Sayang gumuguhit ng ngiti saking mga labi,
Sayang makikita mo saking kabuuan at namumutawi

Pero pag tumatagal ang sensasyong ito
Pag tumatagal at sagunson ang kilig na nararamdaman ko
Ang mga kiliting kanina'y aking nadarama
Ngayo'y nagdudulot sa’kin ng kakaibang kaba

Kaba na mauuwi sa pagkirot ng aking puso
Sakit na nagpapawi ng mga ngiting kaninay usong-uso
Sakit na tumutusok sa’king damdamin
Tska nililipad ang ngiti ko sa hangin

Bakit kaya ganito ang aking nararamdaman
Bakit sa tuwing sasaya, kapalit ay kalungkutan
Bakit kailangan ko pang masaktan ulit matapos ang kagalakan
Hindi ba talaga puwdeng magsaya nalang ng tuluyan?

Bakit ba sa tuwing mararamdaman ko na ang swerte-swerte ko
Biglang may mawawala, biglang may maglalaho
Biglang may masasaktan, biglang may susuko
Tapos ako'y iiwan, malulungkot, at manlulumo

Paulit-ulit na lang ang sitwasyong ganito
Minsan nga’y napaisip ako kung anong punto nito
Bakit parating ang katapusan ng kwento ko ay ganto
Bakit parating pag-iwan at paglayo sa’kin ng mga tao

May kuwenta naman siguro akong tao kahit papaano
Maayos naman ako magmahal, yung totoo
Nagpapahalaga naman ako sa bawat makilala ko
Pero bakit, bakit kailangang iwan niyo ko?!

Minsan nga gusto ko ng huminto
Minsan nga gusto ko ng maglaho
Gusto kong tumigil sa pagtibok ang aking puso
Gustong-gusto ko ngunit malabong malabo

Balang araw siguro ako na man ang mang-iiwan
Ako na ang susuko, ako na ang di lalaban
Gusto kong subukan hindi dahil gusto kung gumanti o ano pa man
Ito'y dahil gusto kong makahanap ng rason para kayo’y maintindihan

Hindi ko maiwaksi ang pagmamahal sa’king puso
Kahit ilang beses akong masaktan, sigurado akong di ito susuko
Mag iintay ito hanggang sa isang araw ay makatagpo
Makatagpo ng isang taong tanggap ako, at saki'y di susuko.

Ululate (yoolye leyt) by Jammy

Long were the days when I would think only of you

I always imagined you alone, thinking of me too

The nameless feelings I have for you still call my heart home

When will they ever leave this tattered dark dome?

I still remember that vision of you in your anorak

How you violently colored my world – front and back

How I latched on to our minute memories, how it ached

Now I’m left freezing under this somersault of snowflakes

Do you remember that kiss under that cherry blossom tree?

Your warmth juxtaposed with the world’s biting frigidity

I regret every step I took by walking away from that place

Yet my heart never really recovered from beating apace

I used to swelter in delight every time I receive your letters

The long messages that kept me awake and made me quiver

Then they stopped coming and I was left with unvoiced suspicions

Suffice to say, I found myself bleeding from the deepest lesions

It’s funny how we’re now again breathing the same air

And yet your distance seems existent beyond compare

The past has left us but these arms still ululate for your touch

When will I survive without your memories as my crutch?

“5 CENTIMETERS PER SECOND—a movie so good, so awesome, so heartbreaking that I was inspired to make a poem”. – Jammy

Hannah

I always tell Hannah to read my posts with matters concerning almost anything or anyone but I have not directly made her a topic or a recipient (if letter).  This time, it will be her turn because I will try to tell something about her.

I hope she reads this (and she will!).

*****

We were classmates since first year.  We hardly talked to each other at first because she was so meek and we did not have things to talk about—I thought she was one of the “untouchable” geniuses in the class, so there was a notion that we might not understand each other or that she might be snobby.  In addition, before that, I was surprised to hear her for the first time in front of the class (self-introduction).  Her voice was hoarse and in a heavy alto, and she talked very fast (until now).  I do not hate people with hoarse timbres but when I hear anybody talking in that quality intentionally or unintentionally (like hers), my head starts to ache, so I keep distance; and with regards to her pacing, she sometimes doesn’t make sense, just sounds.

She is very conservative.  Her usual get up is long dark skirt and a sweater on top like Mandy Moore in one the movies or like “The Merchant” in Ragnarok series.  Moreover, her being religious adds up to her conservatism.  She keeps distance to men and she does not want to be touched by any.  Again, I am not against it—she is right.  Some verses in The Bible speak something about that.  She does not have a boyfriend (the last thing I know…) but she is not a man hater (there is only one man she hates most of the time)—she has crushes, of course, but her priority is straight… to study first.

We became close because of… I exactly do not know. Hahaha. The last thing I remember was that we were talking and laughing with friends, that she was asking me to teach her how to sing, and that we became group mates in several of our academic activities.  We are in one friends circle and this group has a weird mix of friends with different kinds of personalities—she is one of the weirdest (peace!).  Then she started asking me to review her on some of the lessons and then, in grammar and syntax problems (not that I am good at those but she thought I was smarter than her in that area).

She wondered, one time, about a thing I had not noticed… the smallest student in the class is one of the close friends of the biggest one.  Yes, she’s so small and I’m too big (in diagonal proportion).  Sometimes, it feels awkward when we walk together—it looks like father and daughter tandem. That’s quite an observation but the reason is simple, size doesn’t matter, intelligence does (I’m joking about the intelligence)—what matters is that we understand each other even though we oftentimes have different views of almost everything and I admit, I always have been a very frank and harsh critic to her (it’s for her good…haha palusot pre!).

Hannah shared me some characteristics, which I bet she hasn’t noticed for herself.  She taught me to be real.  The rationale is that, no one is perfect so no matter what you do, as long as it does not hurt anyone, yourself, and God, feel free to do it.  She also told me that quitting is not an option—we must accept the risk of doing what is right than fail because of not doing it.  She added, being positive is not suicidal.  Being positive means that if there is any chance to still prove something, grab the chance and do the best… and if nothing happens, being positive means accepting defeat and moving forward.

*****

Hannah,

I congratulate you for surpassing this almost five years of pain and hardships.  If you notice, I always encouraged you to move forward, yes, not because I wanted to give you false motivation but because I really believed in your perseverance and that, your fighting spirit is stronger than the hardships you are facing.

I know that you know what is right.  Oftentimes, we were blinded by the trials we faced and those trails made us weak, but you stood up against those challenges and you never gave up.  You took the responsibility of doing alternative things that made you better.  I salute you for that.

Things had been very strange to you when you entered in the institution, but you are now going out of it being a different person—a much stronger and smarter person.

Sorry for the times I hurt your feelings for my frankness.  I will not say that I did not mean it. I MEAN IT because I need you to know the different faces of people.  Like any other I know, you are still too weak to sense and read other persons.  There are those who will be nice to you but will stab you at the back, and there are those who will hammer you, grind you, and mold you face to face but will make you sharper than anyone.  Be sensitive to those people.

I guess things would be different knowing that you and Jerica would not be with us for the next school year.  I will miss our group for a while (because I know we will meet again).

Use all the wisdom you got in the future because the battle is not yet over.  This is just the beginning of a much greater adventure with much greater steeps and storms.  Just always remember that you are not alone—God is at your side.

I will pray for your success in the CPA licensure exam.  God bless you.

The Walk, The Dinner, and The Movie

March 22, 2014—good service, good dinner, good movie; these were all we needed for us friends to enjoy our little time spent together but we actually experienced a different kind of mix—there was a good dinner and… that’s all.

A friend went on a vacation leave and before he left back to his job in Cebu, he asked us, his friends, out for a dinner.  I came late and, guess what?  I was not the only one who was late.  The texted rendezvous was on Veranza so I went there first.  I checked my cellphone and found out (heard for the near chismosas) that the network had gone wild for several minutes already so I waited inside the mall still hoping for the signal to reach me, but nothing happened.  So I walked around expecting to see them also walking around expecting to see me but I saw no one.  My cellphone rang (I set my cellphone in the most basic alert tone) and there I had a message that said to meet my friend near KCC’s cinema section.  He used the other network to text me (luckily, he has other network, if he did not then I would be imagining myself just walking around).

When I arrived there, he started telling me funny stuffs about his work and coworkers.  I don’t think I got everything he said—I was hungry because I had not eaten lunch to enjoy his libre.  Unfortunately, we were still waiting for one last person.

When the person we were waiting arrived, we at once got up and walked back to our first venue.  While walking, we talked about everything and we never did miss a laugh on some funny topics.  We could really feel that we missed each other.

We had not settled where we would eat until we finally end up in a grill resto.  As we entered the resto, I already had a strange feeling about how the attendants looked at us.  I continued observing them still when we had our orders.  Instead of delivering the orders directly inside the kitchen, I saw that the waiter first lend it to a woman and then both of them laughed.  We had not heard the laugh because we chose to sit in the outside extension.  I saw them because I chose to sit in front of them (a view to the inside in front of the transparent wall).  The food and drinks were served but there was one viand that they did not serve.  We considered it first (we thought maybe they were still cooking it).

We finished everything without the viand we ordered.  We called the waiter for our dessert and abruptly he said “Ginaserve man gud namo ang dessert paghuman kaon Sir.” and we had not waited for a second to react strongly to what he said.  Of course, we know that and in fact, we called him because we finished eating even though we hadn’t had the other viand.  Then we inquired for the other viand and the waiter sharply replied “Ipabalot na lang to sir.” Clearly, they remember our order, we just didn’t know why it was not given to us.  When it was given to us, many people (including me) would know that is was already oven-heated.

We do not want to judge these people but obviously, they were not oriented about how to handle customers right.  Their products taste good but their services are very poor.  I don’t want to add them to my blacklist restaurant because what we wanted there was their food, not the servers.

After eating, we walked back to KCC to watch a movie.  We were choosing between “Divergent” and “Devil’s Due”.  Our first choice was the former but we were more curious about the latter (the title sounds good) so we followed our curiosity.  Late had we realized that curiosity kill everything except boredom.  Just imagine you are watching an amateur video of a family who does nothing but take videos of almost everything—and that is the story from the beginning to its very end.  How sad isn’t it?  We were slouching for more than an hour.  It took us courage to wait for the movie to end… unfortunately.  We went out of the movie house weak and bewildered.  We just turned the dismay into laughter after several walks.  We started talking about it sarcastically.

We decided to go home after that.  Inside the van, we were silent, perhaps tired for what we did.  At least, we all were satisfied—the most important thing. 

Thanks for the libre Carlo… till next time!