...Once Upon a Time 2

October 11, 2007

12:30 pm

Hello… ok lang kaya ka dira ako yaby?  Miss na kaayo nimo si dad?  Miss na jud baya taka!  Nagatuon ka diha o wala?  Ayaw ingna wala kay masuko jud si dad.  Nakatanda pa ka sa ato goal?  Ayaw jud to kalimti!  Pagtuon dirag tarong.  Diri lang diay ta school?  Dili ba diay pwede?  Kung dili nila gusto magkita ta sa gawas sa school, sige!  Basta ang importante naa lang ka dinhi.  Unsa ang number ni May?  Mao to katung 0920?  Sige ko text sa iya wala man siya gareply.  Kabalo ko dili japon to mag reply sa ako kay suko kaayo to siya.  Wala na ko nabunang!  Sige ra ko sulat. Hehehe!

Gusto na jud taka makita, magunitan, biskan kadali man lang.  Everytime maghigda ko sa bed matandaan nako ka nga mag sige ug lantaw sa ako before ka matulog.  Matingala na lang ko nga wala pa ka natulog kay sig era ka ug smile gatan-aw sa ako.  Di nako makalimtan katung nakatulog nako tapos wala ko ka toothbrush, nakahilam-os, tanan—kay sa sobra ka kapoy.  Nag unsa gani diay ka ato?  Aie tama, naghangyo diay ka sa ako na nga gamiton nimo ag computer kay magdula ka tapos ako sobra ka kapoy dili na man taka mabantayan nag-una na lang ko ug tulog sa kwarto.  Natandaan ko. Wehehehe!  Didto nako nafeel kung unsa jud ko nimo ka love, bisan unsa na lang ako ginapang-ingon, nag-smile lang ka sa ako tapos nag-ingon “dad, don’t forget to brush your teeth, tapos hilamos dayon before you sleep.”  Di nako to makalimtan na lanes.  Lambing kaayo imo pagstorya sa ako.  Pagka buntag ato mga four o’clock sa kadlawon nag-mata naman ko tapos ang habol wala naman sa imo, deh gibalik nako, tapos nakamata ka.  Nag ingon dayon ka “Good morning dad.  I love you.”  Nag smile ko sa imo tapos nagreply “Morning sad, I love you too.”

Tapos ato imo gistorya ako gihimo pagkagabii katung nag daman ko.  Imo pa ko gikataw-an kay funny kaayo ako face ato, tapos nagmug-ot ko, nag ingon dayon ka, bahala na basta ikaw ang pinakagwapo na dad sa whole wide world. hehehe… nag smile ko ulit.

Nagpatabang pa ko ato ug review sa imo kay dili ko kasabot, murag 30 minutes lang gud to noh?  Dali lang kaayo tapos suddenly pagcheck nako sa clock 6:10 am na—“patay!”  Wala pa ko kaon.  Ana pa ka nga mag-cr ka sogipanaog taka, di magdugay ingon pa ko sa imo.  Ana ka nga “di man jud dad.”  Ana pa ka nga “pagdali dad ma-late gani ka nah!”  nitubag ko nga dili ko ma-late, tapos nagdali na ko.

Nibalik diba ka’g tulog kay sleepy kaayo ka?  6:45 am nagbalik ko sa kwarto kay mananghid ko nimo nga magschool nako.  Gidala nako ang tubig ug biscuits para kung gutumon ka.  Pagkahapon, nagsayo ko uli kay nagpromise ko sa imo nga mag uli ko dayon after class.  Pag saka nako paadto sa kwarto, nakita taka nga gahilak.  Nagdagan ko paadto sa bed tapos gipasandig ka sa ako shoulders.  Miss na nimo si nanay.  Ana ko na “sige ihatod tikaw uyang gabii.”  Naghilak ka samot kay dili nimo gusto mag uli—ana ka nga dili jud ka gusto mag-uli…

...Once Upon a Time 1 (link for the first letter)

Torments (by Precious U)

Last Friday night
Desolation and burdens...

I had never felt so down
Six feet under...

The pain in my chest...
It shattered my heart into dust… 

Oh, how am I able to bear it?
I do not know... 

I wish to know... 

How am I able to live every minute of my life from now on?

How am I able to feel happiness without being pierced by your memory?

If it will take a lifetime to escape from this endless torment,
I would rather be in hell right now than to see your heavens…

Let the HEART Speak

You were asking my opinion about a person you like
And I answered you all you wanted to know.
You noted the points I said—would consider it heartily.
Thank you for asking me, trusting me with those matters.
I appreciate the thoughtful inquiry you made.

But let me tell you the truth, I was nervous.
I hesitated because
I didn’t want my ideas be significant in your decisions
And my heart told me to be truthful to you.
I was hurt, but I continued.

All I want is for you to be happy.
All I want is to see you grow.
I said bad things more than the good ones
But those were not meant to give him inequity
Those were things you were asking me to say—my opinion.

But I tell you this; follow your heart no matter
What people will say.  Listen to where
Your feelings are coming from. Those are the things
I have not done and have regretted
So please, let your heart speak.

Listen to it but don’t let it blind you;
Lead your heart first before letting it lead you.
At the end of the day, you and you alone
Can answer the questions that rest inside you
And I wish that all your decisions be the best for you.

Snippets by Precious U

November 26, 2013

My Greatest Downfall

I gave you my life... I gave you happiness but you gave up on me for some creature. How am I going to live my life without your trace? Indeed, my greatest downfall…

Secrets

If secrets and lies could kill, I should be dead by now.

December 1, 2013

Elysian

I want to love every moment that I have right now.  I may not have all that I want; at least, I was given just what I needed—good companies make good moments to live for.

Annoyed kay JM (by Precious U)

Mag-ingat sa mga taong ‘kala mo kung sino nang umasta

Nanunugod ng bahay, di naman alam ang mitsa.

Porke’t may pera ka, ipaglandakan, wag naman sana

Ako’y nagtitimpi lamang, baka di ako makapigil ng kusa

Lalo mo lang pinatutunuyang di ka talaga kaaya-aya.

Sana naman, umayos ka at huwag magpakababa…

The Dusk or The Dawn? (Unedited)

1

“Uie dong, graduating na ka noh?” some people asked this.

I would reply “Dili pa, next school year pa.”

“Ngano man?”

“Naulahi kog take sang subjects so extended ko ug one year.”

“Nganong naulahi man ka?”

There was a pause… and that was the end of my temper—most people really dug deep and the only way to stop them was to tell the naked truth.  So then, I would always reply, “Nabagsak man gud ko sa akong isa ka major na prerequisite for other higher majors and dili man siya makuha in any semester so I needed to wait for one year para makuha to siya na subject.  Napasa na nako to siya and now padayon sa nabilin.”

“Aie sayang eh.”

I really hate hearing “sayang”.  It does not sound compassionate to me—as if they’re saying that I’m wasting the efforts of my parents [which is not], though I get their point.

First is TIME.  A year is not a span of time one may wish to waste.  I mean, I may miss so many things in this added year.   Perhaps, within the year, I could have a job—earn my salary and go to the places I have never been to, eat the foods that I have not eaten, buy stuffs that I only see in malls, or simply, help my parents first thing.  Alternatively, of course, the basic, review and take the board exam.

Second is FINANCE.  I do not want to solve but I could imagine how much money I could save if I would graduate earlier. But because I’ll not, I will still pay for transportation, food, projects, photocopies, quizzes, handouts, and/or printouts—I’m talking of the marginal costs I will spend on the added year so tuition fees and miscellaneous during enrollment,  the SOPs of all the payments, are not included.  If I accumulate these expenses, I am sure the amount is really material.

Those are the “sayang” they are stressing me but my perspective is very different from theirs.  When I failed that major subject, I have found an opportunity to improve myself.  The added year, maybe, is a sign that I am not yet ready for the real world.  The things I mentioned above are the things that I might have… MIGHT have—dreams, illusions, and lies.  Those are very uncertain, and what’s certain now is that I am not prepared yet… this is the reality—this is FACT.  I may spend more for this added year but I’m sure this is worth spending—time and money.  I believe there are things I need to learn more and I hope this time I won’t miss any of it.

The advantage is that I have longer time to prepare for the future.  I have lesser subjects than others have in an easy schedule; I have time for everything, including procrastination, but this time, it must not be included it in my list.

2

Many students want to graduate in time planned but I’m pretty sure not all of them deserve to graduate.  In fact, not all graduates pass the board exams.

The reason I think is that instructors solely rely on the very basic quantitative evaluation—the grading system, like 60% on this, 25% on that, so and so, and if you get 75% you pass, congrats! Duh.

Some instructors inspire their students by saying “Wala may bugo sa accounting, naa lang tamad.”  But obviously this is not true!  The proper statement is “Wala may tamad sa accounting, naa lang bugo.” People are born with different brain capacities.  There are persons who could endure a long duration of studying but still could hardly understand what they are reading; there are persons who understand the lessons at once and sleep as early as 9 pm; there are persons who could not understand the lessons and could not endure long readings and that makes them sleepy; and everything other than those—name the worse combinations of it.  Only few are the once who have the best combination.  Of course, I’m not saying that this is a valid excuse for the instructors to pass all of the students.  All I’m saying is that, students’ scores in quizzes do not precede them.  Grades do not evaluate how much we learn from the subjects we take—I do believe in that.  Grades are just a fragment of evaluating the students’ capacity to memorize and/or understand the lessons but never of the students’ capacity to blend and bend in changing standards of learning and of knowledge. There’s more to consider than grades alone like attitudes, confidence, paradigms, and personal relationships.  Students go to college to become better persons, humans, to prepare them in any profession they want, not to become robots who only know raw knowledge and facts and formulas.  

Furthermore, students really believe that having high grades will save them from the lashes of failure that may actually devastate anyone, even the fittest.  Some students do everything just to think how they can get good grades.  Blessed are the honest and diligent but admittedly, there are some who compare, cheat, and plagiarize just to satisfy their urge to survive.  As a result, after college, some of these people struggle in their jobs.  They oftentimes lack social disciplines, which is one of the very essential elements in workplaces.

Not everybody will find this article very useful.  Well, these are all my opinions… a past time perhaps.

I end this article with a question, what do you think you’ll become after college?

Friday Morning

This morning, an old woman from the outside called us.  When I opened the door, I saw her palms open at the gate.  She then started begging for just a small pack of rice and a spoonful of pity.  She did not specify the quantity she needed but I could see in her eyes that she would accept even a handful of it.  She touched my heart.  She was not from our subdivision I could tell.  She was wearing black shirt with prints on it, pedal pants, sandals, and a weary smile.  She was carrying a recyclable bag and a sack of experiences that were marked in the lines of her face.  I had thought for a while and asked myself of the questions I would have asked her, “Asa imong mga anak la?” “Asa ka gapuyo?” but I was not able to speak and the thoughts went on, “Naa kaha ni siya’y ginapakaon? Perhaps apo.” “Siya na lang kaya isa?” “Paano kaya niya nakaya na maglakaw unya mangayo ug bugas? nagkasubo jud siguro ni siya…”  then I stopped and faced the reality.

Even having my sincerest thought to help, I still was not able to because I was bound to follow my limitations.  I could not just give something to anyone not unless we ourselves (family) have enough resources and not without the permission of the ones who pay for it—my parents.  I said my most genuine sorry and she just nodded and smiled halfway as she backed out and walked away from our gate.  That smile doubled my pity, stabbed me, and made me write.

I may not help these people for now but I promise to help them when the proper time comes.  I do not want to blame anyone like other people do.  I may not change the way things go, but I can change the way I think about these things and may these help me become a better person, as I want to be.

Things that I could have Done

There were so many things I could have done last semester but I don't know why I had not done them.  I still search for answers though I think I know them already—I only need to ponder more deeply to write it.  hmmn…

The Unsweetened Twisted Love Story

written by Shali and made readable by J

Maraming suliranin ang dumating sa aking buhay mula nung mamatay ang aking lolo at lola—isa na roon ang pagkakamalabuan ng relasyon naming magkakapamilya.  Dahil doon, napilitan kaming umalis sa bahay ng aming tita kung saan kami unang nanuluyan noong bagong lipat pa lamang kami sa Iloilo.

Second Semester of my 2nd year

January 4, 2012—this was the day when my sister and I transferred. Nagstay kami sa isang boarding house malapit sa Unibersidad kung saan ako nag-aaral. I could still remember the first time I stepped on that particular place, peaceful tsaka maganda ang lugar. Naramdaman ko agad na magiging memorable ang pagtira ko doon.  I guess ganyan na man talaga ang sinusumpa at denideclare ng mga newbies pag tumapak sa isang lugar for good vibes, gaya lang din ako para medjo bad girl… “maganda ang pakiramdam ko dito”, “sa tingin ko marami akong magiging beautiful memories dito.” Pero true naman ah! Hehe. 

Di ko inexpect na I could find friends easily—there’s this one person na mysterious ang aura who caught my attention (kung makacaught wagas). Una ko siyang naencounter noong bababa sana ako to buy breakfast for my sister. He was wearing his duty uniform, of course all white ‘yon. All I could say was “WOW!”… Then we stared at each other for so long (relatively). I was not even sure kung ano ang facial expression ko that time but I think I saw a glint of amusement in his eyes. That was the sign na kailangan ko ng bumalik sa aking katinuan. Nasabi ko sa sarili ko, “kahuluya.. nakanganga guro ko aie? Hala! Grabe tulok niya. Di man guro ah. Kalma lang dapat.” After that, I smiled back and greeted him “Hi!” but he just smiled then went downstairs. I was stunned for the moment ‘coz he looked like an “ANGEL”. I thought I was just dreaming. Kinurot ko ang sarili ko just to make sure that everything’s real, that I’m still alive and still on earth. Thank God! Buhay pa ako, sabi ko sarili ko. Akala ko nasa heaven na ako kasi nakakita ako ng isang nakangiting anghel (corny na). Wew. I was relieved but at the same time, I couldn’t get him off my mind.

After that encounter, naging observant na ako kung ano ang mga mannerisms niya, how he talks, walks, acts in front of other people, and personality niya mismo. I asked some of my housemates his name, anong year, from what college, etc. I gathered only small info about him because he’s a secretive type of person and that time di pa siya nag-oopen sa mga bago niya lang nakilala. I also thought he’s snobbish pero sige lang gwapo naman eh. Hehe.

Then, nung time na nag-away kami ng ate ko, di ko inexpect na nasa sala lang pala siya, nakaupo at nagbabasa ng libro. Eehh.. narinig niya yung away namin for sure and worse, he also saw me cry—law-ay pa naman ko mag hibi, pero at least cute gihapon. He looked at me pero tumingin ako sa ibang direction para di ko makita anong reaction niya.

After that, di ko na siya masyadong nakikita. Maybe because he was too busy with his studies at ako naman, as always, loner… nagtatago sa kwarto. Nakikita ko lang siya everytime we were having general meetings about sa boarding house. 

For almost six months, “hi, hello” lang kami. “Am I unapproachable?”  I asked myself. Mas nauna pa kasi niya naging kaibigan ang friends ko kahit na mas matagal na ako sa boarding house kaysa sa kanila. Nakakatampo... L

First Semester of my 3rd Year, 2012

Nadagdagan na naman ang mga boarders. May isang lalake, tawagin nalang natin sa pangalang “pretty boy” na nakakuha ng atensyon ko. Mysterious din ang dating at mukhang suplado.  Nung time na pinakilala isa-isa ang mga new boarders, pangalan lang niya ang natatak sa utak ko. J

One week passed and in a blink of an eye, we became close friends. I usually study every night sa living room 2nd floor and he’s also there to keep me companied. Di ko magawang lumabas ng kwarto nung doon pa nakatira si ate and since graduate na siya, hehehe… nagpapacute na… Alam na!

Nagkacrush ako sa kanya… Nalipat yung atensiyon ko na dapat kay “Angel” nakatuon pero panandalian lang ang lahat dahil nung nag acquaintance party kami, I didn’t notice that “Angel” and I were already making a conversation. I sat beside him and we talked like there’s no tomorrow, na parang may sarili kaming mundo. Wala akong nakikitang tao sa paligid kundi siya at siya lang. Right at that moment, I grabbed the chance to get a closer look on his face; and his eyes, those tantalizing and beautiful eyes; Ang ilong niya na matangos; at ang kanyang mapupulang labi na kasing pula ng cherry (pero di naman naka lipstick… namalikmata lang siguro ako). I heard my heart sudden rumbled, in a good way.  Di ko talaga ‘yon makalilimutan for the rest of my life.

Nagpakasaya talaga ako kasama siya. Doon ko narealize na di ko pala talaga gusto si “pretty boy”, it’s just that nabaling lang ang attention ko sa kanya dahil mas approachable siya at una ko siyang naging close kaysa kay “Angel”. That very night, pinlano naming magpakalasing. First time ko uminom at nalasing. Tsk3. Okay lang yon. “Minsan lang to.” sabi ng isip ko so nilubus-lubos ko na ang pagkakataon na makasama siya. 

After that acquaintance party, I didn’t expect us to be closer than the others. Mas kaclose ko pa siya kaysa sa mga una kong naging kaibigan. We didn’t know that we were somewhat alike pala, mapapersonality man, sa isip (pagkagreen), sa likes at dislikes, etc. Palagi na kaming magkasama saan man kami pumunta: tuwing kakain, maglibot-libot sa mall, tuwing mag-aaral, mag-internet, at marami pa.  Magkasama naming cinelebrate ang aming birthday, September 10 ang sa akin at sa 24 naman ang sa kanya then napagkasunduan naming pagsabayin na lang noong September 15 ng taong iyon. That was the happiest time of my life that year. Parang nag bonding lang kaming dalawa but for the first time in a long time, I have felt special again knowing that there he was treating me so unique.  I really thought, yun na—na wala ng makahahadlang—na I wouldn’t be left alone as I was before.  I missed to think some possibilities and closed my mind to whatever might happen in the following days. <3

Mas lumalim ang pagkakaibigan naming dalawa dahil sa mga pinaggagagawa namin sa boarding house. He even told me that I was his crush. Normally, I would feel awkward when someone tells his feelings towards me. Pero sa kanya? Wala. Naging masaya pa nga ako kasi gusto rin ako ng crush ko. Ako naman, itinago ko lang yung feelings ko kasi it’s too early to say it tsaka sa part ng girls, uso yung “pakipot”. Kung di man uso sa panahon ngayon, at least I’m one of the rare conventional lady. LOL. Every night, parati kaming tumatambay sa rooftop, nag oopen up kami ng mga secrets at iba pang mga bagay-bagay na matripan. Dahil doon, naging mag best friends kami to the point that we actually felt mutual to each other.

Many teased us kasi compatible daw kami tsaka medyo may pagkahawig daw kami ng mukha.  Ginawa ba naman akong lalake! Hmpp… o siya ang nagmumukhang babae? Hayy..

Second Semester of my 3rd Year, 2012-2013.

Marami akong napapansin sa kanya pero pinilit kong balewalain ‘yon. One time when I tried scaring him, he shouted like a girl. He said, “Joke, practice lang to.”  Oh my Gee [!!!] but, I just acted like it was nothing, like I didn’t mind at all. I just laughed at his reaction.  Maybe that bothered him so he asked me something, “Wala ka ba may napansin sa akon? The way I talk, walk?” He watched at me intently...

“May-ara... Pero wala man ko labot.” Then I smiled. 

He let out a sigh and said, “Bal-an mo sin-o crush ko?”

I felt like my heart was being stabbed. I didn’t exactly know why I felt it that time but I tried to be as normal as I could be. I inhaled a large amount of air before answering. I said, “Yes. Si ‘pretty boy’ buh?”

Suddenly, he laughed with matching giggle [.][?] I said to myself, what the heck?! How did this happen?! I had to think of something—a way to make him a guy again. That’s my resolve!

I have tried different methods: I looked for a beautiful girl having curvaceous body and with pleasing personality. Whenever he’s with the girl, I always tease him thinking that he would change his preference—that he would also like the girl. Whenever he asked permission to watch p*rn, I always suggest the ‘girl and boy’ love making… but nothing happened!  All useless!  Parang lumala pa nga siya eh.  Many suggested that I should seduce him if I want him to be a man but I’m still sane to do such a crass idea… my Gee!

I lost hope—hope that he can still change. I asked advice from my trusted classmate on what to do. She just said that I should tell him about my feelings. I was shocked and said to her, “That was quite an accusation! I don’t have feelings for him. Best friend ko siya that’s why it’s natural for me to be concerned about him.”

She answered, “Pero, di amo na ang makita ko. Yes, you are concerned. You don’t want to see him hurt or see him suffer and get insulted by other people but why do you want him to change so badly? Kay sa pagkabalo ko, kung wala ka feelings sa isa ka tao, di ka mag-effort na mag-ubra sang mga bagay-bagay, you would easily accept him for who he is, and for your info, siya pirme bukambibig mo. Now tell me, how can you convince me na wala ka feelings sa iya?"  

That question gave me a headache. It made me think even more and I tried assessing my feelings after that.

When I went home, he was there, standing, smiling at me. After seeing him, my heart became unstable. I didn’t know how to control it and didn’t know how to act in front of him. I tried to calm down. After a few minutes, my breathing was back to normal. I could see his worried face while asking if I was okay. I wanted to say “No! It’s entirely your fault because you made me fall for you and I don’t want to feel this way!”  but I just nodded and smiled.

After that incident, almost one week na akong di nagpakita sa kanya because the idea of falling in love with him scares me.  Bakit kasi siya pa?  Marami namang iba jan!  Di siya pasado sa standards ko…  Yeah, he’s tall and has good complexion, pero duh!  Gusto ko lalake, hindi bakla!  Ugh!  Nakakainis ang feeling na you love a wrong person at the right time. 

Pero namimiss ko na siya and naadmit ko sa sarili ko na I really do have feelings for him kaya tinigilan ko na ang pagtatago. I became more showy sa nararamdaman ko and napagplanuhan ko na aaminin na sa kanya ang totoo.

Two days after the opening of lights sa CPU, I was with him na naglibot sa school. I said, “May ihambal ko sa imo. Bal-an mo kung ano?”

He answered, “I had a guess kung ano na pero nahuya ko ihambal.”

“Sige daw bi guess mo.  Lantawon ta kung mabasahan mo gid isip ko.”

He was deciding if he would say it then he said, “That you like me?”

I laughed in order to hide my nervousness tapos bumalik na naman sa pagiging serious.  I asked him, “How did you know?”

He shrugged then answered, “Feeling ko lang kag these past few days, daw may nagchange sa imo, particularly the way you treat me. Daw may special treatment.”

I was ashamed. Yumuko na lang ako at nanahimik pero naramdaman ko ang nanunuot niyang tingin. I had already lost my courage to face him.

“But, I don’t mind kung may feelings ka gid man sakon. Okay lang. Na.appreciate ko gid gani tanan-tanan. Thank you for liking me.”

I know he said that para di ako mahiya at mailang.  I gathered my confidence then looked at him. He was smiling at me and I fell for him even more… tsk.

Mas naging close pa kami dahil sa mga nangyari.  Akala ko maiilang na siya at lalayuan na niya ako but no... pero ang masakit lang ay yong makita siyang kinikilig kapag katabi niya si “pretty boy”. Ang sarap talaga nilang pagbungguin!  Eh ‘yong isa, di alam na pinagnanasaan na ni “Angel”, este “Angela” na pala, mas bagay!  Grrr!

December 19, 2012—ang araw ng pag-amin niya sa feelings niya kay “pretty boy”. Kasalanan ko rin naman eh, ako ang nagpumilit sa kanya na magtapat.  Ewan ko ba kung tanga lang talaga ako o masokista!  Nag-usap kaming tatlo sa rooftop at dun nangyari ang lahat (what a tragedy!). Okay naman ang usapan namin, tanggap ni “pretty boy” na ganyan si “Angel”.  Sabi ni “Angel” sa akin na okay lang na di mareciprocate yung feelings niya as long as tanggap siya nito at di mailang.

Pero nag-iba ang lahat pagbabalik namin ng klase, January 7, 2013. Nag-iba ang pakikitungo ni “pretty boy” kay “Angel”—di na niya ito masyadong kinakausap. Kami na lang dalawa ni “Angel” ang tumatambay sa rooftop. Ako, kinakausap niya, pero yung bestfriend ko [Angel] parang hangin na di niya makita. Nasaktan ng husto ang bestfriend ko. Sabi niya di na raw niya crush ito. Sus maniwala ako sa kanya, echosera??

Nagpatuloy lang kami sa buhay namin na parang walang aminang nangyari. As usual, kami na namang dalawa ni “Angel” ang magkasama. Sabi namin sa isa’t-isa, walang iwanan. We always play like we’re back from being kids.  Sabay kami parating maglaba, magsampay ng mga damit at pagkatapos, tambay agad ng rooftop. We always watch the sunset together and sometimes, the sunrise. Kahit ganyan lang, kuntento na ako. J

Summer

My classmates and I had our Cabin Crew Training in Manila. We stayed there for four days and three nights and of course, di ko nakakaligtaang tawagan si “angel”.  Ako parati ang unli eh… tsk.  Kapag naririnig ko ang boses niya, nawawala ang pagod ko.  He never failed to make me laugh.  Kinakantahan niya rin ako kapag malapit na akong matulog, request ko kasi yon sa kanya—minsan ako rin naman ang kumakanta para sa kanya.  Tumatawa nalang kami kasi nagmumukha kaming mga tanga. XD.

Naaalala at namimiss ko yung mga panahong magkatabi kaming matulog, kasi noong mga panahon na yon, yong mga roommates ko umuuwi at ang mga roommates niya wala rin. Namimiss ko yong habang tulog siya, parati kong hinahaplos yong buhok niya habang nakatingin sa gwapo niyang mukha—minsan panakaw rin akong nagkikiss sa cheeks niya… iniisip ko na sana ganyan din ginagawa niya sa akin kung ako yung unang nakakatulog hehehe. ^_^v. Peace man.

After our training, umuwi ako sa Iloilo (of course naman).  Sinundo talaga ako ng mga boardmates ko sa airport. I feel special. +_-.

Nakita ko siya. He’s such a cutie wearing white t-shirt and gray pants. Tapos may nagbago sa kanya, ang dating niya, parang lalaking-lalake. First time ko siyang nakitang magwax ng hair niya.  Ang cool!  Tumayo ako sa harapan niya tsaka ngumiti habang sinasabi “I’m back.” pero di ko maintindihan kasi parang wala lang sa kanya siya. Tumitingin lang siya sa akin pero di man lang nagrespond sa sinabi ko.  Yung ibang boardmates ko lumapit at sinabing “Welcome Home! Wow. Blooming tayo ngayon ah.” tapos nagpalipat-lipat lang sila ng tingin sa aming dalawa.  Doon lang siya parang natauhan tapos ngumiti siya ng pagkatamis-tamis habang sinasabi ang “Welcome Back Sha. Wa taka nakilala bah. Daw Koreana ka. Hehe.” 

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya tapos nag-aya akong kumain.  Sumakay kami ng van at sa front seat kami umupo ni “angel”. We really missed each other at ang patunay ay ang pagholding hands naming dalawa (or sapat na bang patunay yun?). Kinilig ako pero itinago ko lang kasi nangako ako na di ko na ipapahalata na may feelings pa rin ako para sa kanya. Tapos narating namin ang lugar kung saan kami kakain. I didn’t get to finish my food because while eating nakatingin siya sa akin, di ako makaconcentrate.  Kahit na nga matakaw talaga ako hindi ko nagawang magapi ang kanyang titig at sumuko ang gutom ko sa kanyang ngiti. Tapos parang may kakaiba sa mga titig niya. Di ko maintindihan… parang naiilang ako.

Pag-uwi namin, mga 10 pm, diretso na sana ako sa pagtulog nang kinausap ako ni Rej, ang roommate ko. Sabi niya naghanda raw talaga si “angel” sa pagdating ko. Nagpagwapo daw siya para raw mainlove ako lalo sa kanya... Hahhh??! Why would he do that?  Bakit gusto niya pang “ma-inlove” ako “LALO?!” Sa isip ko may namuong konklusyon na baka gusto niya na rin ako.  Pero inisip ko agad na nagiging assuming na naman ako... eto na naman!

Bumalik yong pag-asa ko na magiging lalaki siya uli, pero dahil sa pag-asang yon, naging mas mahirap na ang mga sumunod na mga araw sa buhay ko… L

1st Semester of my 4th Year, 2013

Marami kaming mga bagong board-mates at meron kaming mga board-mates na umalis din. We had a meeting for us to get to know each other. Maraming mga magagandang babae sa bagong board-mates namin at mga charming na mga lalake. Bigla akong kinabahan sa “charming na mga lalaki”. I know “angel” more than others do. Siya yong tipong nakikipagclose sa mga baguhan. Paano ko nasabi? Sabi niya sa akin dahil daw sa tulong ko, naging mas friendly na siya at di na siya nahihiyang makitungo at makipag-usap sa iba.  Yon!  Natatakot ako na baka maagaw siya ng iba. I was surprised with my reaction at sa takbo ng utak ko (teleserye lang?). Di naman ako possessive dati ah… pero pilit kong binalewala ang lahat ng iyon…

Days passed, medyo nagkalayo kaming dalawa, again… Kasi siya may mga bagong kaibigan, at ako mas naging malapit kay “pretty boy” na naman.  Sa kanya ko kasi nasasabi ang mga hinanakit ko tungkol kay “angel”, mga problema ko, at nandiyan siya parati sa tabi ko para icomfort ako. Mas komportable na ako sa kanya kung ikukumpara mo kay “angel”. Sinusubukan ko na rin siya kasing iwasan para di na ako masaktan pa at dahil din sa mga bago niyang kaibigan kaya parang napapansin ko na bumabalik na naman siya sa kanyang pagiging bakla. Nakakainis! Ewan ko ba sa mga buhay namin, we’re just moving in circles lalo pa’t magka-housemate lang kaming lahat.  Dikit dito, dikit duon, usap, iwas, usap tapos iwas na naman.  Ewan ko bah!

Dumating ang isang araw na nagkausap kaming dalawa. Doon kami sa tambayan namin. We talked how he and I changed. Nagtanong siya kung may problem ba raw kami kasi parang lumalayo na kami sa isa’t-isa. I answered wala and it’s just that I was busy the past few days. Naniwala naman siya agad pero may isa siyang sinabi. Nagseselos daw siya kay “pretty boy” kasi kami na palagi ang magkasama, magkakuwentuhan at nagbibiruan. Siya parang cast out na raw. Di ko na raw siya napapansin at kinakausap man lang. Iniiwas ko ang tingin ko at nagpalusot. Sabi ko na palagi kasing nasa timing si “pretty boy”. Kung kailan di na ako busy, dun na siya nagpapakita. Naniwala naman siya at bago ako umalis may pahabol akong sinabi, “Don’t worry, I won’t steal him away from you and I don’t have any feelings for him, so you don’t have to be jealous.”  Tumalikod na ako bago pa niya makita ang nagbabantang mga luha sa aking mga mata.

Pagkatapos ng pangyayaring iyon, palagi ko na siyang sinasama para di siya maghinala na nilalayuan ko siya. I tried stopping my feelings for him pero di ko kaya. Every time I see him, mas lalo akong nagkakagusto sa kanya. Pero ang kasabay noon ay ang pag-iyak ko tuwing gabi. Parang nasasakal ako at di ako makahinga. He’s always showing me the pictures of the person he likes (at mostly mga lalaki hah!) and that made my heart sank. Parang gusto ko ng magpakamanhid para di ko na maramdaman ang lecheng sakit na to. 

To ease the feeling, I decided to have my OJT in Manila. Maybe, this is my answered prayer for me to forget the pain, forget my feelings for him and move on. Isang semester din akong mananatili doon.  I guess six months is not enough pero I need to try.  I already said goodbye to him and I promised myself that that October 14 would be the last day na iiyakan ko siya. 

I know it’s an unrequited love but I enjoyed every minute I had spent with him and I’ll treasure those memories for the rest of my life. He’s not my first love but still he will always be my soul-mate (because we are similar in many aspects). 

Kahit nasa malayo ako, siya pa rin ang nag-iisa kong super friend at ituturing ko na ‘pinaka’ sa lahat ng naging best friends ko.  I also promised him before we separate ways that when I come back, I’ll make sure that I’ll be a responsible and good best friend to him and will accept him for who he was, is, and will be, and when that day comes, I hope that that will be the start of our ‘something new’.

The Note (by J. Anne Subaldo)

Life has its own ups and downs.

Full of hard encounters and myriad trials;

So many heartbreaks and sorrows;

But all of those things seemed nothing to me.

I have been seeing life as the most wonderful gift that Our Savior gave us.

Full of heart-warming memories and meaningful experiences, overflowing love, and countless joy;

I can only see the good side of everything.

I am always positive and forgiving.

Everything is perfect.

Life is on my side.

But that was what I thought.

Suddenly, all of those things are starting to change.

I never knew that something I never ever thought of would happen.

Everything is falling apart.

The happiness is starting to fade.

The world seems to go darker and darker each day.

And the realization suddenly came to me.

Everything that I am living for is just a fantasy.

A dream… became a nightmare;

I am seeing the wrong side of life.

Life, indeed, is full of misery.

A life that is not worth living in;

It sucks.

I hate it.

It hurts so much.

And so, I have decided.

I’m ending it right now…

(This note is just an assignment. This is not going to happen in real life. :D )

Suddenly...

Suddenly, we’re happy.  Suddenly, we’re not.  All of these pictures, which were on my keeping, tell us we were that fine and peaceful... but things change along with time (in fact, very fast unpredictable time), and realizations come like lightning striking the ground.  The matter becomes so certain and clear… that I love, but she doesn’t, and I already know it even right from the start. It’s just that I was drowned by a dream I thought was the reality—then I woke up with my heart pondering in regret, and soon, I know, acceptance (because I do not have a choice).

So what will I do now to these pictures?  If I delete these, what will happen?  Will it help me heal my heart so fast, as fast as how we broke it into pieces?  If I don’t, will I keep staring at these pictures remembering the past that we had (I mean no past at all, because there was no “we” on the first place—keep dreaming perhaps)?  The answers are all up to me… all up to me alone.

Diary ni Anonymous

Chapter 1

Hysteric ang tanan kay wala pa nagstart ang program, wala pa man gud ang emcee ug ang singers—kami yun.  Nagpatulong kasi ang food committee sa hindi pa natapos iprepare na food—cocktail party daw ni amo adtuan eh.  Nagtetext na ang karamihan, nag-aapura.  Impatient na daw si Sir dahil ang bagal daw namin.  Si Jun panay dasal na, siya kasi ang nag iisang program “committee” na super dedicated sa kanyang work.  Buti na lang kamo magaling at mabilis mag maneho ang napaka-cute naming friend (‘tago natin sa pangalang Pim)… murag professional car racer jud ni siya sa iyang past life bah, wala lang galing pananghid sa iya parents nga gamiton niya ilahang car… medjo bad girl.  Ang problema pud nako, nasa likod ako ng pick-up niya, taga-bantay sa mga pagkain laban sa external forces like wind, dusts, and everything (take note, naka attire na ako nyan).  Pwede naapply jud nako ang Newton’s Law of motion kada break, kada liko, and kada change gear.  Well, at least may hairstyle na ko dahil sa hangin…haha

Makalipas ang 25 minutes, nakarating kami sa venue—napaka-haggard na, super.  Lumabas ang ilan para tulungan kami sa paghakot ng food papunta sa loob… camaraderie gud daw ni, tulong-tulongan.

Buti nalang di sila bored.  Nag start na kasing mag concert ang band ni Sir na punk and napaka-young… at heart. Hindi man lang din nag effort magdamit—shocking lang… labaw na ang vocalist! Parang inuman lang ang habol pre?  Pakurog pa mag kanta, Beegees ang peg ni kuya.  Ang ila pud nga pianist, scary, murag professor nga napugos mag piano—smile pud lo.  In addition, si Sir revelation kaayo, bassist with the moves… kuyaw!  Ana man jud ng musicians siguro, feel na feel ang vibrations sa sound waves, piyung-piyung pa… mura bag end of the world na ugma mao na nga ingana na siya ka emotero.  Trending pud ila kanta, uso kaayo, modern na modern… wooh.  I wonder lang kung unsa ang pangalan sa ilang banda… kay mura man silang mga habal-habal drivers nga wala ka pasada, pangalanan na lang nako sila’g “The Habals” or “The Thunder Habals”.

Pormal ng nagstart ang program, si Ru nag opening remarks and after that, nag introduce sa first singer—murag ako jud to.  Ordinary song ako first song.  Next singer was Kath.  “Kath” lang para matago pud gamay ang pangalan.  She’s the hottest singer I have ever seen and heard in my life… grabe killing me softly pa jud iyang gikanta, nisayaw pa… unsa pa ba imo pangitaon? Total entertainer si ate… but I remembered earlier that day, she told us that her father wants her to be a nun (english lagi ni?).  Iniimagine ko siya na nakasuot pang madre, and I admit bagay sa kanya.  Pag nagkataon, siya na ang pinakamagandang madre na makikita ko.  Well, we’ll never know the future…

Nag reminiscing portion pagkatapos ng first set of singers.  Pinaalala ba naman ang mga kalokohan nung filmmaking namin.  Nakakatawa pala talagang balikan ang mga pangyayaring yun…  epic... from the unforgettable moments to the unforgettable lines walang pinalampas ang ang mga emcee.

The economics class had their intermission number after that. Yun lang…

Chapter 2

Kath and I sang for the second time.  I rendered the song “You”.  Kath sang “Sway”.  May ilang lalaki na tumayo at naghanap ng makakapartner sa sayaw.  Nakita ko siya sa corner. Pupuntahan ko sana para isayaw pero naunahan ako ng “close friend” niya.  Kanina pa yang “close friend” niya.  Nainis ako dahil ang higpit ng hawak ng lalaking yun sa kanya.  Nainis ako dahil ang bagal ko.  Bumalik ang pakiramdam ng rejection sa akin na naranasan ko na ilang taon ng nakararaan.  Akala ko nakamove-on na ako, pero masakit pa rin palang maalala na di ka isayaw ng mahal mo.  I hate to admit pero bagay sila.  Gusto ko sanang maniwala na close friends lang talaga sila (I mean the feeling), ngunit bawat hininga, bawat gestures, bawat ngiti, at bawat usap nilang dalawa parang may laman at may ibig sabihin na mas malalim pa sa pagiging magkaibigan. Aggressive din itong si lalaki, murag mamatay kung kung di kauyab.  Intimidated na talaga ako.  Ngunit pinili kong maghintay, pinilit kong intindihin, at sinubikan kong magmasid, maging manhid sa bawat bulong-bulungang kumakalat sa bawat sulok… issue gud daw.  Ngayon ko lang naintindihan kung bakit sumpa ang aking kakayahang makakita ng maliliit na details.  Pumikit na ako, lumingon sa gilid, at naghanap ng paraan upang di ko lang sila makitang masaya sa isa’t-isa, ngunit di ko pa rin mapigilang mapansin sila.  Sa bawat nakaw na tingin, sa bawat pahapyaw na lingon, sa bawat dinig ko sa tawa ng bawat isa ay siya namang durog ng aking puso, piga ng aking hininga, pagkatuyo ng aking dugo at paglabas ng aking luha sabay punas ng aking malamig na kamay sa aking mga mata.  Gusto kong lumabas ngunit may mapagparayang bahagi ang puso ko na gusto siyang makitang masaya kahit na nga di dahil sa akin. Kaya nanatili ang paa ko na di makagalaw sa aking kinatatayuan;  nanatili ang puso kong nasusunog sa sarili kong dugo.

Para akong mamamatay na to the extent na nagflashback na sa akin ang mga moments noong una ko siyang makita noon.  Napapansin ko na siya dati pa dahil magkatabi lang kami ng room sa majors namin.  Simpleng babae, nakaT-shirt, minsan nakahood at jeans.  Napaka-catchy niya talaga… ang cute.  Ang ganda ng speaking voice.  Kaya lang, malaki na ang kanyang pinagbago mula nung nakilala niya ang lalaking yun.

Kasalanan ko din naman kung bakit ganito ako ngayon, I accept the consequences.  A friend told me years ago na “ana man jud na siya ang love, dili dapat ka mag expect ug reciprocity.”  Akala ko kaya ko, akala ko tanggap ko na ganyan nga.  Pero parati na lang ganyan.  Naalala ko tuloy sabi ng friend ko na pang “super friend material” daw ako… nah wa jud ta ani.  Pabirong sabi ko pa, mag pari na lang ako…

Sumunod ang ilan pang mga kanta at isa pang love song ang isinayaw nila.  Hindi na ako nakapagpigil at lumapit na ako para hingin ang sayaw niya sa “close friend” niya.  Walang pagsidlan ang aking galak ng mahawakan ko siya.  Para bang gusto kong pabagalin ang oras para man lang makasama ko siya ng matagal-tagal.  Siya na yata ang pinakapeaceful na babaeng nakita ko noong gabiing iyon.  Di ko makalimutan ang kislap ng kayang mga mata at ang kanyang ngiti na bumalot sa buo niyang pagkatao.  Ngunit may saglit na pagtataka akong naramdaman dahil ang mga mata niya’y di ko mabasa.  Hindi ko man lang alam kung ano ang kanyang naramdaman that time.  Masiyado ba siyang mabait para pagbigyan ako? Or napilitan lang ba siya at nasayangan sa moment nila or nahihiya lang talaga siya? Masaya ba siya? Hindi ko alam pero ito ang mga taong nag rereverberate sa utak ko.  Hindi naman ang sayaw ang mahalaga noong mga oras na iyon, kundi ang feelings niya.

Chapter 3

Ang dami kong di alam.  Kailangan ko pa mag effort mag analyze ng situations para maintindihan ang kung ano man ang nangyayari sa kanila.  Hindi ko nga malaman kung bakit ganito bakit ganyan… ang mood swings.  Madalas out of place na ako pero noon wala pa akong pakialam.  Sana naman maintindihan ko ang lahat para di na ako mahirapan gaya nito.

Natapos ang party na di ako buo.  Umuwi ako na kalung-kalong ang mga tanong na pilit kong hinahanapan ng sagot, tinatagpi-tagpi ang kalat-kalat na mga pangyayari na gusto ko ng makalimutan agad.  Nalungkot, hindi nagalit.  Nagselos ako, hindi nainggit.  Lahat ng yan, naramdaman ko kahit wala akong right dahil wala naman talaga akong rights sa kanya… classmate lang ako.

Chapter 4

          Mabuti na siguro itong ganito.  Bago ko kalimutan ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya at least sa maikling panahon nasabi at naipadama ko kung gaano siya kahalaga sa akin at kung gaano ko siya kamahal (kahit na most of the time, sa pinakacorny na way pa).  Sa ganoong kaikling panahon, marami akong natutunan para sa sarili ko.  Mas naging patient at understanding ako, natuto akong magsacrifice, magbigay na di naghihintay ng kapalit, and most importantly, mas natuto akong magpahalaga sa mga taong alam ko will stay with me till the end… friends.

I now appreciate this song… super:

“My shattered dreams and broken heart are mending on the shelf.  I saw you holding hands, dancing close to someone else.  Now I sit all alone, wishing all my feelings were gone…  I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do but have one last cry before I leave it all behind.  I gotta put you out of my mind for the last time… I guess I’m down to my last cry.”-One Last Cry by Brian McKnight

Chapter 5

Makalipas ang ilang araw, humingi siya ng paumanhin sa pagiging insensitive daw niya.  Agad ko siyang pinatawad kahit na alam ko wala naman siyang nagawang kasalanan.  Humingi din ako ng tawad sa pagiging childish ko ngunit di na siya nagreply.  Tanggap ko ang lahat.  Kinabukasan, nagpansinan kami pero wala na ang spark of friendship na nabuo namin over time.  Balik na naman kami sa dati… at kasalanan ko… kasalanan ko.  Naisip ko bigla, paano kaya kung di na ako nagreact?  Parang wala lang nangyari kung magkaganon, pero mananatili naman akong bulag, bingi, at manhid sa mga nangyayari sa paligid, at patuloy akong maghihintay ng tamang panahon… magaparaya, magiintindi, magpapatawad and so on…

Hindi ko pa maisulat kung ano ang kasunod ng kwentong ito.  Balak ko sanang gawin itong happy ending pero ang hirap.  Di kasi ako makarelate sa happy endings…

Favorite House Spider

My Favorite House Spider

It has four legs on one side and three on the other--perhaps because of some battles (with lizards and/or moths).

Teddy para sa'yo...

Bahala na kung Corny and Cheesy... Sweet and Cute naman... Diba Sha?jeje:)

Campus Shots

Photography

August 6

August 6, 2013

We were texting each other.  Though perhaps I was not the only text mate she had that night, I still could not stop cherishing the thought that she still spent her time listening to me—to my feelings [for her].

I hope I made her smile…

Why not?

They asked me why had I not attended this year’s annual JPIA acquaintance party—thankful somehow that at least some bothered to ask.  Yet, I could not tell my reasons because I myself could not put into words what I wanted to say, to reason out.  Perhaps what I think about parties is different from them and that they will not understand me if I speak my truth.

Now, I will try to write what my heart speaks—as always.

The reason why my friends attended acquaintance party was that this year is their last year in college.  Yes, they wanted to cherish the moment and that is normal.  Some told me that at least in their last year, I could join them celebrate acquaintance party.  However, I am not good in group sentiments. I would rather keep my emotions to myself and write.

For me, parties like this are very deceiving.  Of course, we expect to see smiles—happiness and enjoyment.  These are not the real things.  Memories are not always with smiles showing how important your friends are in a night of enjoyment.  Will this one night of happiness replace the five years of nostalgic experiences that were far better worth cherishing?

Others think that they are nothing to me but it is the complete opposite.  I am nothing to them.  Yet, every moment from the time when we started being classmates all marked in me.  There were times of misunderstandings and selfishness but more were times of acceptance, friendship, and empathy.  Whatever those may be, I know, deep in my heart, that nothing will I ever forget—for everything, I know, helped me become who I am.

Being Positive (A Re-post)

By Vanessa Rhie Bidad

I've been reading through the story of Moses wherein he grew up watching the oppression of his people in the hands of the Egyptians. At that time, he felt certain that he was the one to deliver them from the oppressors. In righteous indignation, he started to right their wrongs. But after killing one of the Egyptians, he fled from the palace where he grew up and went to live in Midian where he worked as a shepherd - fed sheep and tend to them - for 40 long years.

When God led me to this passage, I found myself in Moses. In the beginning, Moses had realized that he was the one to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first.

We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and yet when we start to do it, there comes to us something equivalent to Moses' forty years in the wilderness. In my case, my forty years in the wilderness will have to be the tons of readings I have to do everyday; the nervousness I always have every time the professor enters the class; the failure of not answering the questions even if you had stayed up during the night reading your book. There are a lot of times I felt my eyes weary and my brain drained.

I had the vision of what God wants me to do with my life. But it's as if God has ignored the whole vision. But I am certain, someday He will come back. Just like He called Moses back after 40 years, God will revive His call. Even when I am discouraged and even when I doubt myself, I know for certain that one day I will hear Him call, "I am who I am who sent you." 

He is who he is who sent me. This is how God disciplines. He is teaching me to keep with his stride. Indeed, discouragement will lead to a great personal growth ahead. Kakayanin!