Week Before Exams

It has been a long time since I accepted that I am not smart compared to my classmates (though I know I must not be comparing), but the pain is still here now that I am again experiencing failure in my subjects.  I come to ask myself, am I not worthy for this course? Am I not capable of showing what’s stored in me? Or am I that dull that even I study so well, I still fail?  All I hear in college is that smartness is not important, hard work matters.  But as time goes by, I come to realize every time I fail that that is not the real score here.  The ones exerting too much effort are the ones capable of understanding every single detail of what they are reading.  That doesn't work in me.  I noticed every time I study, it takes me more time to understand and memorize the concepts.  I am so pathetic.

Until now I still do not know the answers to my own questions.  But I know, only I can answer those and only God knows how to ask rightly.  Only God knows the exact answers.  If I ask my friends, surely they’ll just comfort me with their words.  I long for the truth that I already know.  I still want those lies just to boost myself though (or just kid myself).

Often in my solitude, I find my solace; but now my subjects bother me a lot.  I do not know what to do.  I cannot afford to fail again.  I am afraid.  I am so afraid of rejection, even now I feel rejected. The final exam is my last and only chance to pass.

All I want in life is to become a better person.  All I need is my family and my friends.  But now, I feel so damn.  The pain inside me clutches me.  No one cares.