"Would You?" by Kreyan

If I tell you how much you mean to me, would you believe me?
That I want to be with you most of the time, I just couldn't tell you.
I just couldn't let you know for I fear what I foresee
I fear the thought of you ignoring me.

If I tell you I still like you, would we stay the same? Would you?
I have always been wanting some attention from you, but I see no interest, nothing to argue.
I am waiting for the day when you would finally say “good morning” first,
Ask me how I am, until we reach the “good night” and “sweet dreams” one.

You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting long conversations with you
I know I can't demand, I don't have the right to
And this is what I’m terrified about, now I’m telling you I’m afraid
I can’t help myself but fall, its cliché but it’s true.

It’s been troubling me for days; this thing I have for you
I am afraid of letting you know because I know you don’t feel the same way too But I want to take this move to be able to free myself
Of the consequence of silent kill when feelings are deepened and kept

You have no idea how freakin' scared I am
I've written so many poems like this, but I have never been this nervous
Thoughts have been so unorganized, rumbling on my mind, they won’t collide Been really wondering how am I going to make things right

If I tell you I want to take care of you, would you allow me?
I have been wanting to scold you whenever you're being stubborn and mean
I want to make you feel how special you are, and it wouldn't be temporary
Coz you deserve all the love that last, that would break all your walls of superiority

I want to be your pillow to hold on tight
Shoulder that you'd need when you feel like crying
I want to be your best friend, someone who'd matter in your life
I want to be that someone you would love to be by your side

Well,
All I really want to say is that I would love to love you
And when I say love, everything, good or bad, comes with it too
I am just here to make you feel how special you are to me
Someone I would cherish and respect, if only you'd allow me.

-Kreyan-

So Simple

I’d rather be alone than be with someone like you.
Someone who dictates me what to do;
Someone who judges me based on blind human standards.

The choice is between you accept me for who I am
Or I assume I don't know you from the very beginning.
So simple.

"Heartful Loveful"

A friend posted this last time.

This is so cute! You could really feel the purity and sincerity of a child herein.

Review Ready?

My life is not a book but a library.

Next months will be a new book added to my library: my review for the CPA board exam. Am I ready? Well I thought I would never be. My mood toward exerting for the review seemed so stagnant until last night…

To whoever would ask why I decided to review near, I was always answering that all I need is in our house and in the review center here… but I was lying. The reason was that I am never too confident to pass the board exam and the loss I computed from reviewing there is far too heavy than the loss I will bear here.

I could not find inspiration to what I would do next. However, last night, a thought came to me after I prayed in silence.  I remembered my parents.  They are the ones who brought me to school. They are the ones responsible why I got where I am now. They are the ones who work hard, who always sacrifice for me. I remembered all the efforts they have given when I was a child until now.  I remembered all the sweat, all the tears they have shown all the years of my life. I remembered how at times I was a waste, a rebel, and a stubborn, and I have not mind all of that.

I felt ashamed after I realized that.

YES, I WAS WRONG. And I spent the whole night thanking God for slapping me the truth and asking Him for His forgiveness.

Now I know… I really know.  I will do all of these because of them, my parents.  I won’t let their efforts be put to nothing. I promise to be the person they want me to be, and, as God wants me to become.

I believe, it’s not the review center that makes the aspirant pass; it is the aspirant who makes a name for himself with the assistance of the review center. In my case, I know I need to exert extra effort, but I’m willing to take the challenge.

It’s final. I’m taking the CPA Board Exam!

Packed Meals

We ventured a new business: packed meals.

Our family has come a long way in selling foods. I remember when I was a child, my mother used to sell two cooked viands in front of our house; her favorite dishes were humba and adobing manok.

When I turned high school, my parents started making and selling carmelitos around the neighborhood and in schools for consignment. In addition to this, they were also accepting orders of embutido, longganisa, and tocino.

Mid high school to early college, my father decided to go to our hometown to learn how to make chicharon but he decided not to pursue the business because it would take a huge amount of start-up cost and would require a wider space. Due to this, my mother resolved to have a barbeque business.

We were the leading vendor of barbeque in our subdivision: we could sell a hundred pieces for just a night. But the stress turned out to be unhealthy for my mother so we stopped; instead, we just continued taking orders of longganisa and tocino.

Years later, my mother decided to cook and sell in front of our house again—this time, two to four viands, different kinds and mixes every day until now. Also, she consigns longganisa and Mexican pepper sardines in one of the canteens in my father’s workplace.

A month ago, an offer came: packed meals for seminars.  My parents approved the idea and they started planning for the costs. I told them to budget the cost at our advantage but my father wanted to penetrate the market by offering quality meals at lower prices first. It was a good marketing strategy though, but I am afraid that we could not get out from the plan for the next times.

Last time, I had not assisted in the preparation because of my tight academic schedule but now, I consider this as my first job. Yes, I am paid for this! Together, except for my father—he commands and supervises—we are all hands on in making this possible.

Tomorrow, we will distribute our packed meals inside the company where my father works at. This is the third time… I am so excited.

Unfollow, Unfriend, Block

After graduation, I decided to unfollow, unfriend, and/or block some of my “friends” in Facebook. 

The reason is that I want to forget the people who gave me bad vibes and bad perspectives in life—not as simple as in Facebook but in my life. I also want them to forget me.  When I don’t see or remember them, only then can I find peace.

Crude to say but when I entered college, I promised myself not to invest too much attachment to people. I also don’t like familiarity. People will presume they know you but they don’t.

Some, obviously insecure about their incompetency just throw dirt on you and the worst part, others believe them.

Oftentimes, no matter how hard you try to be good, the things that stay to them are the worst things in you.  No matter how hard you change [if there’s anything to change], they keep on reminding you what they thought of you—a judgment long been rebutted and I hate it when it reverberates in my mind. I don’t like explaining. Some people won’t just understand until you tell them anything and that makes you very transparent then cursing yourself for the same reason.

It’s as if the simple description “unsociable” becomes a sensational big issue to all. You just say something once, and every inch of what you say the next will be judged against you.

I have not “unfriended” some of the friends I described just because they were my classmates since high school.

*****

I am always left behind. Yes; but I am not alone—I don’t feel alone. I was only trained to focus on the things that mean to me the most.  I don’t have anyone to talk to about music, psychology, photography, or pets but I get friends when I have money or when I talk about people. However, I often don’t have much and I hate talking about people as much as I hate people talking about me.

In college, some of my friends share their secrets to me and I built a reputation for that but I admit when I was younger, I could not keep light secret [note: just the light ones].

I exist, but I exist mainly for my family and myself only.  I socialize, but I don’t like noise. I also don’t want to be a burden to anyone that’s why I don’t do things beyond my limitations.

Lastly, I don’t force anyone to like me, as what I have said, I don’t invest too much attachment. Forget me, notify me first, and I’ll also forget you.

Maharlika 2015

April 7, 2015—All of us in the car were so excited. It was graduation day, indeed! My parents and my sister were there beside me, wearing happy faces—talking about what would happen in the ceremony and laughing at some funny moments they reminisced while on the road.  I already prepared my camera for the best shots of my life.

We came later than expected. When we arrived, the would-be-graduates like me were already falling in line. Almost all were taking pictures with friends, with family, and with everyone. Then I also took pictures of and with my classmates, of course.

The ceremony had started. As we marched toward the quadrangle, I glanced around. I just loved looking us dressed in our maroon graduation togas. I felt the elegance of its color, of its façade—a signification that we were all going to graduate. There were almost two thousands of us excitedly marching.

We entered inside the hall. Our college seat was assigned at the right side facing the stage.  I looked at the back searching for my crush, but I didn’t see her.

At first, I thought the program would take six to seven hours. To my surprise, the rituals and the calling of names were so fast. I even had not noticed that it was our turn to stand up until our guide instructor called us. Because of my surname, I was the first to be called in our college—I felt blank. The excitement was too much that all I had done was to walk straight, not hearing what the officials were saying when we shook hands in the giving of diplomas.  All I understood was that I was happy that moment… very happy.

After I sat back on my chair, I felt empty again, and hungry, so I went out to fetch my snack.  I saw some going out also so I decided not to go back inside. I spent my time outside with my parents and my sister taking pictures of us. After the picture taking, I waited outside for the program to end so that I could have time taking pictures again after.  I saw a friend who then gave me garland and there we waited together.

Before the program had ended, they fired the fireworks at the back of the venue. It was beautiful, majestic, and I believe, expensive. Well, I thought it really jived our batch name, Maharlika [Royalty].

The program had ended and they fell in line out of the venue. I still searched for my friends and my crush. When I saw them, I took some pictures for the last time. After that, my family and I went home… tired but happy.

Chutzpah over FS

We created a feasibility study on a proposed hospital.

At first, we already knew we would do well in this project.  This confidence took us to a unique setting of assigning each member with a specific chapter not like the other groups where they worked their feasibility together all the time.

Mr. R, our leader, was assigned in wordy chapters—one to three and appendices. He assigned himself to those chapters because he knew he’s good in writing and has a vast experience in making those parts.  He was also our chief consolidator and proofreader and he monitors our every step—nothing was overlooked.

Ms. P and I were appointed in chapter 4: the market feasibility—the chapter needed too much of interviews, surveys, and researches. I was assigned to this because they said I was good at those aspects especially with interviews. At first, I did not know what to do. I had not started making a report until the third month where I gradually started researching for my chapter. We searched information in hospitals and health offices around the city.  Luckily, in one of the offices, we bumped into one of the important persons in the city who knows the city’s health status and other data. She shared some insights and facts about the topic and said she was willing to help us for supplementary data.  The information we got from her were not sufficient so we continued our benchmarking in barangay health centers.  Also, we used all the resources we got from the internet and old found books. We did not ignore any snippets of details we got from those. All are accumulated to make the chapter at par with the prior chapters.

The market feasibility was the first part of the defense.  The pressure was on when we reported our output in front the respected panelists. Fortunately, we surpassed the interrogations thrown at us. One of the panelists, though, did not like the thickness of our report even when we explained that the whole paper we passed included chapters one to three and other groups had not. Well, you know, some “smart” people would never understand even the simplest things as such.

Mr. J and Ms. C were assigned in chapter 5: the technical feasibility.  They started their chapter ahead of us because they had all the information they needed in the internet except for the computation of the costs.  They had the thickest chapter because all of the technical aspects were specifically defined and described.

We left chapter 6 to Miss S and Miss P: socio-economic feasibility.  The chapter talks about the effects of the establishment to employment, environment, economics, and taxes.

Mr. M and Mr. L were appointed in chapter 7: financial feasibility.  This chapter talks about budgets, returns, paybacks, and turnovers.  I personally do not like anything related to those that was why I insistently refused to include myself in making the chapter.  Even Mr. M and Mr. L had a hard time solving for figures and balancing. We had many meetings discussing and making the chapters even in the last minute.

In the final defense, the questions came out most from the financial feasibility. The chapter had many flaws, but fortunately, it passed through the eyes of the panelists. We had answered their interrogations intelligently and persuasively.

In making our feasibility study, I enhanced my perspective toward simultaneous exercise of teamwork and independence all at once. I had understood further that to be competent in the real world, one must learn to work diligently and intelligently in any assigned task. Furthermore, it is also important to be patient, to be understanding, and to be adept with different attitudes of the teammates.  Being flexible on these aspects may give a person an edge in the workplace.

*****

As noticed, the paragraph related to me has longer narration. Without bias to others, this is because we were assigned in each chapter and I had not touched or less had I touched the other chapters. I do not know specifically how they approached theirs.