Torments (by Precious U)

Last Friday night
Desolation and burdens...

I had never felt so down
Six feet under...

The pain in my chest...
It shattered my heart into dust… 

Oh, how am I able to bear it?
I do not know... 

I wish to know... 

How am I able to live every minute of my life from now on?

How am I able to feel happiness without being pierced by your memory?

If it will take a lifetime to escape from this endless torment,
I would rather be in hell right now than to see your heavens…

Let the HEART Speak

You were asking my opinion about a person you like
And I answered you all you wanted to know.
You noted the points I said—would consider it heartily.
Thank you for asking me, trusting me with those matters.
I appreciate the thoughtful inquiry you made.

But let me tell you the truth, I was nervous.
I hesitated because
I didn’t want my ideas be significant in your decisions
And my heart told me to be truthful to you.
I was hurt, but I continued.

All I want is for you to be happy.
All I want is to see you grow.
I said bad things more than the good ones
But those were not meant to give him inequity
Those were things you were asking me to say—my opinion.

But I tell you this; follow your heart no matter
What people will say.  Listen to where
Your feelings are coming from. Those are the things
I have not done and have regretted
So please, let your heart speak.

Listen to it but don’t let it blind you;
Lead your heart first before letting it lead you.
At the end of the day, you and you alone
Can answer the questions that rest inside you
And I wish that all your decisions be the best for you.

Snippets by Precious U

November 26, 2013

My Greatest Downfall

I gave you my life... I gave you happiness but you gave up on me for some creature. How am I going to live my life without your trace? Indeed, my greatest downfall…

Secrets

If secrets and lies could kill, I should be dead by now.

December 1, 2013

Elysian

I want to love every moment that I have right now.  I may not have all that I want; at least, I was given just what I needed—good companies make good moments to live for.

Annoyed kay JM (by Precious U)

Mag-ingat sa mga taong ‘kala mo kung sino nang umasta

Nanunugod ng bahay, di naman alam ang mitsa.

Porke’t may pera ka, ipaglandakan, wag naman sana

Ako’y nagtitimpi lamang, baka di ako makapigil ng kusa

Lalo mo lang pinatutunuyang di ka talaga kaaya-aya.

Sana naman, umayos ka at huwag magpakababa…

The Dusk or The Dawn? (Unedited)

1

“Uie dong, graduating na ka noh?” some people asked this.

I would reply “Dili pa, next school year pa.”

“Ngano man?”

“Naulahi kog take sang subjects so extended ko ug one year.”

“Nganong naulahi man ka?”

There was a pause… and that was the end of my temper—most people really dug deep and the only way to stop them was to tell the naked truth.  So then, I would always reply, “Nabagsak man gud ko sa akong isa ka major na prerequisite for other higher majors and dili man siya makuha in any semester so I needed to wait for one year para makuha to siya na subject.  Napasa na nako to siya and now padayon sa nabilin.”

“Aie sayang eh.”

I really hate hearing “sayang”.  It does not sound compassionate to me—as if they’re saying that I’m wasting the efforts of my parents [which is not], though I get their point.

First is TIME.  A year is not a span of time one may wish to waste.  I mean, I may miss so many things in this added year.   Perhaps, within the year, I could have a job—earn my salary and go to the places I have never been to, eat the foods that I have not eaten, buy stuffs that I only see in malls, or simply, help my parents first thing.  Alternatively, of course, the basic, review and take the board exam.

Second is FINANCE.  I do not want to solve but I could imagine how much money I could save if I would graduate earlier. But because I’ll not, I will still pay for transportation, food, projects, photocopies, quizzes, handouts, and/or printouts—I’m talking of the marginal costs I will spend on the added year so tuition fees and miscellaneous during enrollment,  the SOPs of all the payments, are not included.  If I accumulate these expenses, I am sure the amount is really material.

Those are the “sayang” they are stressing me but my perspective is very different from theirs.  When I failed that major subject, I have found an opportunity to improve myself.  The added year, maybe, is a sign that I am not yet ready for the real world.  The things I mentioned above are the things that I might have… MIGHT have—dreams, illusions, and lies.  Those are very uncertain, and what’s certain now is that I am not prepared yet… this is the reality—this is FACT.  I may spend more for this added year but I’m sure this is worth spending—time and money.  I believe there are things I need to learn more and I hope this time I won’t miss any of it.

The advantage is that I have longer time to prepare for the future.  I have lesser subjects than others have in an easy schedule; I have time for everything, including procrastination, but this time, it must not be included it in my list.

2

Many students want to graduate in time planned but I’m pretty sure not all of them deserve to graduate.  In fact, not all graduates pass the board exams.

The reason I think is that instructors solely rely on the very basic quantitative evaluation—the grading system, like 60% on this, 25% on that, so and so, and if you get 75% you pass, congrats! Duh.

Some instructors inspire their students by saying “Wala may bugo sa accounting, naa lang tamad.”  But obviously this is not true!  The proper statement is “Wala may tamad sa accounting, naa lang bugo.” People are born with different brain capacities.  There are persons who could endure a long duration of studying but still could hardly understand what they are reading; there are persons who understand the lessons at once and sleep as early as 9 pm; there are persons who could not understand the lessons and could not endure long readings and that makes them sleepy; and everything other than those—name the worse combinations of it.  Only few are the once who have the best combination.  Of course, I’m not saying that this is a valid excuse for the instructors to pass all of the students.  All I’m saying is that, students’ scores in quizzes do not precede them.  Grades do not evaluate how much we learn from the subjects we take—I do believe in that.  Grades are just a fragment of evaluating the students’ capacity to memorize and/or understand the lessons but never of the students’ capacity to blend and bend in changing standards of learning and of knowledge. There’s more to consider than grades alone like attitudes, confidence, paradigms, and personal relationships.  Students go to college to become better persons, humans, to prepare them in any profession they want, not to become robots who only know raw knowledge and facts and formulas.  

Furthermore, students really believe that having high grades will save them from the lashes of failure that may actually devastate anyone, even the fittest.  Some students do everything just to think how they can get good grades.  Blessed are the honest and diligent but admittedly, there are some who compare, cheat, and plagiarize just to satisfy their urge to survive.  As a result, after college, some of these people struggle in their jobs.  They oftentimes lack social disciplines, which is one of the very essential elements in workplaces.

Not everybody will find this article very useful.  Well, these are all my opinions… a past time perhaps.

I end this article with a question, what do you think you’ll become after college?

Friday Morning

This morning, an old woman from the outside called us.  When I opened the door, I saw her palms open at the gate.  She then started begging for just a small pack of rice and a spoonful of pity.  She did not specify the quantity she needed but I could see in her eyes that she would accept even a handful of it.  She touched my heart.  She was not from our subdivision I could tell.  She was wearing black shirt with prints on it, pedal pants, sandals, and a weary smile.  She was carrying a recyclable bag and a sack of experiences that were marked in the lines of her face.  I had thought for a while and asked myself of the questions I would have asked her, “Asa imong mga anak la?” “Asa ka gapuyo?” but I was not able to speak and the thoughts went on, “Naa kaha ni siya’y ginapakaon? Perhaps apo.” “Siya na lang kaya isa?” “Paano kaya niya nakaya na maglakaw unya mangayo ug bugas? nagkasubo jud siguro ni siya…”  then I stopped and faced the reality.

Even having my sincerest thought to help, I still was not able to because I was bound to follow my limitations.  I could not just give something to anyone not unless we ourselves (family) have enough resources and not without the permission of the ones who pay for it—my parents.  I said my most genuine sorry and she just nodded and smiled halfway as she backed out and walked away from our gate.  That smile doubled my pity, stabbed me, and made me write.

I may not help these people for now but I promise to help them when the proper time comes.  I do not want to blame anyone like other people do.  I may not change the way things go, but I can change the way I think about these things and may these help me become a better person, as I want to be.

Things that I could have Done

There were so many things I could have done last semester but I don't know why I had not done them.  I still search for answers though I think I know them already—I only need to ponder more deeply to write it.  hmmn…

The Unsweetened Twisted Love Story

written by Shali and made readable by J

Maraming suliranin ang dumating sa aking buhay mula nung mamatay ang aking lolo at lola—isa na roon ang pagkakamalabuan ng relasyon naming magkakapamilya.  Dahil doon, napilitan kaming umalis sa bahay ng aming tita kung saan kami unang nanuluyan noong bagong lipat pa lamang kami sa Iloilo.

Second Semester of my 2nd year

January 4, 2012—this was the day when my sister and I transferred. Nagstay kami sa isang boarding house malapit sa Unibersidad kung saan ako nag-aaral. I could still remember the first time I stepped on that particular place, peaceful tsaka maganda ang lugar. Naramdaman ko agad na magiging memorable ang pagtira ko doon.  I guess ganyan na man talaga ang sinusumpa at denideclare ng mga newbies pag tumapak sa isang lugar for good vibes, gaya lang din ako para medjo bad girl… “maganda ang pakiramdam ko dito”, “sa tingin ko marami akong magiging beautiful memories dito.” Pero true naman ah! Hehe. 

Di ko inexpect na I could find friends easily—there’s this one person na mysterious ang aura who caught my attention (kung makacaught wagas). Una ko siyang naencounter noong bababa sana ako to buy breakfast for my sister. He was wearing his duty uniform, of course all white ‘yon. All I could say was “WOW!”… Then we stared at each other for so long (relatively). I was not even sure kung ano ang facial expression ko that time but I think I saw a glint of amusement in his eyes. That was the sign na kailangan ko ng bumalik sa aking katinuan. Nasabi ko sa sarili ko, “kahuluya.. nakanganga guro ko aie? Hala! Grabe tulok niya. Di man guro ah. Kalma lang dapat.” After that, I smiled back and greeted him “Hi!” but he just smiled then went downstairs. I was stunned for the moment ‘coz he looked like an “ANGEL”. I thought I was just dreaming. Kinurot ko ang sarili ko just to make sure that everything’s real, that I’m still alive and still on earth. Thank God! Buhay pa ako, sabi ko sarili ko. Akala ko nasa heaven na ako kasi nakakita ako ng isang nakangiting anghel (corny na). Wew. I was relieved but at the same time, I couldn’t get him off my mind.

After that encounter, naging observant na ako kung ano ang mga mannerisms niya, how he talks, walks, acts in front of other people, and personality niya mismo. I asked some of my housemates his name, anong year, from what college, etc. I gathered only small info about him because he’s a secretive type of person and that time di pa siya nag-oopen sa mga bago niya lang nakilala. I also thought he’s snobbish pero sige lang gwapo naman eh. Hehe.

Then, nung time na nag-away kami ng ate ko, di ko inexpect na nasa sala lang pala siya, nakaupo at nagbabasa ng libro. Eehh.. narinig niya yung away namin for sure and worse, he also saw me cry—law-ay pa naman ko mag hibi, pero at least cute gihapon. He looked at me pero tumingin ako sa ibang direction para di ko makita anong reaction niya.

After that, di ko na siya masyadong nakikita. Maybe because he was too busy with his studies at ako naman, as always, loner… nagtatago sa kwarto. Nakikita ko lang siya everytime we were having general meetings about sa boarding house. 

For almost six months, “hi, hello” lang kami. “Am I unapproachable?”  I asked myself. Mas nauna pa kasi niya naging kaibigan ang friends ko kahit na mas matagal na ako sa boarding house kaysa sa kanila. Nakakatampo... L

First Semester of my 3rd Year, 2012

Nadagdagan na naman ang mga boarders. May isang lalake, tawagin nalang natin sa pangalang “pretty boy” na nakakuha ng atensyon ko. Mysterious din ang dating at mukhang suplado.  Nung time na pinakilala isa-isa ang mga new boarders, pangalan lang niya ang natatak sa utak ko. J

One week passed and in a blink of an eye, we became close friends. I usually study every night sa living room 2nd floor and he’s also there to keep me companied. Di ko magawang lumabas ng kwarto nung doon pa nakatira si ate and since graduate na siya, hehehe… nagpapacute na… Alam na!

Nagkacrush ako sa kanya… Nalipat yung atensiyon ko na dapat kay “Angel” nakatuon pero panandalian lang ang lahat dahil nung nag acquaintance party kami, I didn’t notice that “Angel” and I were already making a conversation. I sat beside him and we talked like there’s no tomorrow, na parang may sarili kaming mundo. Wala akong nakikitang tao sa paligid kundi siya at siya lang. Right at that moment, I grabbed the chance to get a closer look on his face; and his eyes, those tantalizing and beautiful eyes; Ang ilong niya na matangos; at ang kanyang mapupulang labi na kasing pula ng cherry (pero di naman naka lipstick… namalikmata lang siguro ako). I heard my heart sudden rumbled, in a good way.  Di ko talaga ‘yon makalilimutan for the rest of my life.

Nagpakasaya talaga ako kasama siya. Doon ko narealize na di ko pala talaga gusto si “pretty boy”, it’s just that nabaling lang ang attention ko sa kanya dahil mas approachable siya at una ko siyang naging close kaysa kay “Angel”. That very night, pinlano naming magpakalasing. First time ko uminom at nalasing. Tsk3. Okay lang yon. “Minsan lang to.” sabi ng isip ko so nilubus-lubos ko na ang pagkakataon na makasama siya. 

After that acquaintance party, I didn’t expect us to be closer than the others. Mas kaclose ko pa siya kaysa sa mga una kong naging kaibigan. We didn’t know that we were somewhat alike pala, mapapersonality man, sa isip (pagkagreen), sa likes at dislikes, etc. Palagi na kaming magkasama saan man kami pumunta: tuwing kakain, maglibot-libot sa mall, tuwing mag-aaral, mag-internet, at marami pa.  Magkasama naming cinelebrate ang aming birthday, September 10 ang sa akin at sa 24 naman ang sa kanya then napagkasunduan naming pagsabayin na lang noong September 15 ng taong iyon. That was the happiest time of my life that year. Parang nag bonding lang kaming dalawa but for the first time in a long time, I have felt special again knowing that there he was treating me so unique.  I really thought, yun na—na wala ng makahahadlang—na I wouldn’t be left alone as I was before.  I missed to think some possibilities and closed my mind to whatever might happen in the following days. <3

Mas lumalim ang pagkakaibigan naming dalawa dahil sa mga pinaggagagawa namin sa boarding house. He even told me that I was his crush. Normally, I would feel awkward when someone tells his feelings towards me. Pero sa kanya? Wala. Naging masaya pa nga ako kasi gusto rin ako ng crush ko. Ako naman, itinago ko lang yung feelings ko kasi it’s too early to say it tsaka sa part ng girls, uso yung “pakipot”. Kung di man uso sa panahon ngayon, at least I’m one of the rare conventional lady. LOL. Every night, parati kaming tumatambay sa rooftop, nag oopen up kami ng mga secrets at iba pang mga bagay-bagay na matripan. Dahil doon, naging mag best friends kami to the point that we actually felt mutual to each other.

Many teased us kasi compatible daw kami tsaka medyo may pagkahawig daw kami ng mukha.  Ginawa ba naman akong lalake! Hmpp… o siya ang nagmumukhang babae? Hayy..

Second Semester of my 3rd Year, 2012-2013.

Marami akong napapansin sa kanya pero pinilit kong balewalain ‘yon. One time when I tried scaring him, he shouted like a girl. He said, “Joke, practice lang to.”  Oh my Gee [!!!] but, I just acted like it was nothing, like I didn’t mind at all. I just laughed at his reaction.  Maybe that bothered him so he asked me something, “Wala ka ba may napansin sa akon? The way I talk, walk?” He watched at me intently...

“May-ara... Pero wala man ko labot.” Then I smiled. 

He let out a sigh and said, “Bal-an mo sin-o crush ko?”

I felt like my heart was being stabbed. I didn’t exactly know why I felt it that time but I tried to be as normal as I could be. I inhaled a large amount of air before answering. I said, “Yes. Si ‘pretty boy’ buh?”

Suddenly, he laughed with matching giggle [.][?] I said to myself, what the heck?! How did this happen?! I had to think of something—a way to make him a guy again. That’s my resolve!

I have tried different methods: I looked for a beautiful girl having curvaceous body and with pleasing personality. Whenever he’s with the girl, I always tease him thinking that he would change his preference—that he would also like the girl. Whenever he asked permission to watch p*rn, I always suggest the ‘girl and boy’ love making… but nothing happened!  All useless!  Parang lumala pa nga siya eh.  Many suggested that I should seduce him if I want him to be a man but I’m still sane to do such a crass idea… my Gee!

I lost hope—hope that he can still change. I asked advice from my trusted classmate on what to do. She just said that I should tell him about my feelings. I was shocked and said to her, “That was quite an accusation! I don’t have feelings for him. Best friend ko siya that’s why it’s natural for me to be concerned about him.”

She answered, “Pero, di amo na ang makita ko. Yes, you are concerned. You don’t want to see him hurt or see him suffer and get insulted by other people but why do you want him to change so badly? Kay sa pagkabalo ko, kung wala ka feelings sa isa ka tao, di ka mag-effort na mag-ubra sang mga bagay-bagay, you would easily accept him for who he is, and for your info, siya pirme bukambibig mo. Now tell me, how can you convince me na wala ka feelings sa iya?"  

That question gave me a headache. It made me think even more and I tried assessing my feelings after that.

When I went home, he was there, standing, smiling at me. After seeing him, my heart became unstable. I didn’t know how to control it and didn’t know how to act in front of him. I tried to calm down. After a few minutes, my breathing was back to normal. I could see his worried face while asking if I was okay. I wanted to say “No! It’s entirely your fault because you made me fall for you and I don’t want to feel this way!”  but I just nodded and smiled.

After that incident, almost one week na akong di nagpakita sa kanya because the idea of falling in love with him scares me.  Bakit kasi siya pa?  Marami namang iba jan!  Di siya pasado sa standards ko…  Yeah, he’s tall and has good complexion, pero duh!  Gusto ko lalake, hindi bakla!  Ugh!  Nakakainis ang feeling na you love a wrong person at the right time. 

Pero namimiss ko na siya and naadmit ko sa sarili ko na I really do have feelings for him kaya tinigilan ko na ang pagtatago. I became more showy sa nararamdaman ko and napagplanuhan ko na aaminin na sa kanya ang totoo.

Two days after the opening of lights sa CPU, I was with him na naglibot sa school. I said, “May ihambal ko sa imo. Bal-an mo kung ano?”

He answered, “I had a guess kung ano na pero nahuya ko ihambal.”

“Sige daw bi guess mo.  Lantawon ta kung mabasahan mo gid isip ko.”

He was deciding if he would say it then he said, “That you like me?”

I laughed in order to hide my nervousness tapos bumalik na naman sa pagiging serious.  I asked him, “How did you know?”

He shrugged then answered, “Feeling ko lang kag these past few days, daw may nagchange sa imo, particularly the way you treat me. Daw may special treatment.”

I was ashamed. Yumuko na lang ako at nanahimik pero naramdaman ko ang nanunuot niyang tingin. I had already lost my courage to face him.

“But, I don’t mind kung may feelings ka gid man sakon. Okay lang. Na.appreciate ko gid gani tanan-tanan. Thank you for liking me.”

I know he said that para di ako mahiya at mailang.  I gathered my confidence then looked at him. He was smiling at me and I fell for him even more… tsk.

Mas naging close pa kami dahil sa mga nangyari.  Akala ko maiilang na siya at lalayuan na niya ako but no... pero ang masakit lang ay yong makita siyang kinikilig kapag katabi niya si “pretty boy”. Ang sarap talaga nilang pagbungguin!  Eh ‘yong isa, di alam na pinagnanasaan na ni “Angel”, este “Angela” na pala, mas bagay!  Grrr!

December 19, 2012—ang araw ng pag-amin niya sa feelings niya kay “pretty boy”. Kasalanan ko rin naman eh, ako ang nagpumilit sa kanya na magtapat.  Ewan ko ba kung tanga lang talaga ako o masokista!  Nag-usap kaming tatlo sa rooftop at dun nangyari ang lahat (what a tragedy!). Okay naman ang usapan namin, tanggap ni “pretty boy” na ganyan si “Angel”.  Sabi ni “Angel” sa akin na okay lang na di mareciprocate yung feelings niya as long as tanggap siya nito at di mailang.

Pero nag-iba ang lahat pagbabalik namin ng klase, January 7, 2013. Nag-iba ang pakikitungo ni “pretty boy” kay “Angel”—di na niya ito masyadong kinakausap. Kami na lang dalawa ni “Angel” ang tumatambay sa rooftop. Ako, kinakausap niya, pero yung bestfriend ko [Angel] parang hangin na di niya makita. Nasaktan ng husto ang bestfriend ko. Sabi niya di na raw niya crush ito. Sus maniwala ako sa kanya, echosera??

Nagpatuloy lang kami sa buhay namin na parang walang aminang nangyari. As usual, kami na namang dalawa ni “Angel” ang magkasama. Sabi namin sa isa’t-isa, walang iwanan. We always play like we’re back from being kids.  Sabay kami parating maglaba, magsampay ng mga damit at pagkatapos, tambay agad ng rooftop. We always watch the sunset together and sometimes, the sunrise. Kahit ganyan lang, kuntento na ako. J

Summer

My classmates and I had our Cabin Crew Training in Manila. We stayed there for four days and three nights and of course, di ko nakakaligtaang tawagan si “angel”.  Ako parati ang unli eh… tsk.  Kapag naririnig ko ang boses niya, nawawala ang pagod ko.  He never failed to make me laugh.  Kinakantahan niya rin ako kapag malapit na akong matulog, request ko kasi yon sa kanya—minsan ako rin naman ang kumakanta para sa kanya.  Tumatawa nalang kami kasi nagmumukha kaming mga tanga. XD.

Naaalala at namimiss ko yung mga panahong magkatabi kaming matulog, kasi noong mga panahon na yon, yong mga roommates ko umuuwi at ang mga roommates niya wala rin. Namimiss ko yong habang tulog siya, parati kong hinahaplos yong buhok niya habang nakatingin sa gwapo niyang mukha—minsan panakaw rin akong nagkikiss sa cheeks niya… iniisip ko na sana ganyan din ginagawa niya sa akin kung ako yung unang nakakatulog hehehe. ^_^v. Peace man.

After our training, umuwi ako sa Iloilo (of course naman).  Sinundo talaga ako ng mga boardmates ko sa airport. I feel special. +_-.

Nakita ko siya. He’s such a cutie wearing white t-shirt and gray pants. Tapos may nagbago sa kanya, ang dating niya, parang lalaking-lalake. First time ko siyang nakitang magwax ng hair niya.  Ang cool!  Tumayo ako sa harapan niya tsaka ngumiti habang sinasabi “I’m back.” pero di ko maintindihan kasi parang wala lang sa kanya siya. Tumitingin lang siya sa akin pero di man lang nagrespond sa sinabi ko.  Yung ibang boardmates ko lumapit at sinabing “Welcome Home! Wow. Blooming tayo ngayon ah.” tapos nagpalipat-lipat lang sila ng tingin sa aming dalawa.  Doon lang siya parang natauhan tapos ngumiti siya ng pagkatamis-tamis habang sinasabi ang “Welcome Back Sha. Wa taka nakilala bah. Daw Koreana ka. Hehe.” 

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya tapos nag-aya akong kumain.  Sumakay kami ng van at sa front seat kami umupo ni “angel”. We really missed each other at ang patunay ay ang pagholding hands naming dalawa (or sapat na bang patunay yun?). Kinilig ako pero itinago ko lang kasi nangako ako na di ko na ipapahalata na may feelings pa rin ako para sa kanya. Tapos narating namin ang lugar kung saan kami kakain. I didn’t get to finish my food because while eating nakatingin siya sa akin, di ako makaconcentrate.  Kahit na nga matakaw talaga ako hindi ko nagawang magapi ang kanyang titig at sumuko ang gutom ko sa kanyang ngiti. Tapos parang may kakaiba sa mga titig niya. Di ko maintindihan… parang naiilang ako.

Pag-uwi namin, mga 10 pm, diretso na sana ako sa pagtulog nang kinausap ako ni Rej, ang roommate ko. Sabi niya naghanda raw talaga si “angel” sa pagdating ko. Nagpagwapo daw siya para raw mainlove ako lalo sa kanya... Hahhh??! Why would he do that?  Bakit gusto niya pang “ma-inlove” ako “LALO?!” Sa isip ko may namuong konklusyon na baka gusto niya na rin ako.  Pero inisip ko agad na nagiging assuming na naman ako... eto na naman!

Bumalik yong pag-asa ko na magiging lalaki siya uli, pero dahil sa pag-asang yon, naging mas mahirap na ang mga sumunod na mga araw sa buhay ko… L

1st Semester of my 4th Year, 2013

Marami kaming mga bagong board-mates at meron kaming mga board-mates na umalis din. We had a meeting for us to get to know each other. Maraming mga magagandang babae sa bagong board-mates namin at mga charming na mga lalake. Bigla akong kinabahan sa “charming na mga lalaki”. I know “angel” more than others do. Siya yong tipong nakikipagclose sa mga baguhan. Paano ko nasabi? Sabi niya sa akin dahil daw sa tulong ko, naging mas friendly na siya at di na siya nahihiyang makitungo at makipag-usap sa iba.  Yon!  Natatakot ako na baka maagaw siya ng iba. I was surprised with my reaction at sa takbo ng utak ko (teleserye lang?). Di naman ako possessive dati ah… pero pilit kong binalewala ang lahat ng iyon…

Days passed, medyo nagkalayo kaming dalawa, again… Kasi siya may mga bagong kaibigan, at ako mas naging malapit kay “pretty boy” na naman.  Sa kanya ko kasi nasasabi ang mga hinanakit ko tungkol kay “angel”, mga problema ko, at nandiyan siya parati sa tabi ko para icomfort ako. Mas komportable na ako sa kanya kung ikukumpara mo kay “angel”. Sinusubukan ko na rin siya kasing iwasan para di na ako masaktan pa at dahil din sa mga bago niyang kaibigan kaya parang napapansin ko na bumabalik na naman siya sa kanyang pagiging bakla. Nakakainis! Ewan ko ba sa mga buhay namin, we’re just moving in circles lalo pa’t magka-housemate lang kaming lahat.  Dikit dito, dikit duon, usap, iwas, usap tapos iwas na naman.  Ewan ko bah!

Dumating ang isang araw na nagkausap kaming dalawa. Doon kami sa tambayan namin. We talked how he and I changed. Nagtanong siya kung may problem ba raw kami kasi parang lumalayo na kami sa isa’t-isa. I answered wala and it’s just that I was busy the past few days. Naniwala naman siya agad pero may isa siyang sinabi. Nagseselos daw siya kay “pretty boy” kasi kami na palagi ang magkasama, magkakuwentuhan at nagbibiruan. Siya parang cast out na raw. Di ko na raw siya napapansin at kinakausap man lang. Iniiwas ko ang tingin ko at nagpalusot. Sabi ko na palagi kasing nasa timing si “pretty boy”. Kung kailan di na ako busy, dun na siya nagpapakita. Naniwala naman siya at bago ako umalis may pahabol akong sinabi, “Don’t worry, I won’t steal him away from you and I don’t have any feelings for him, so you don’t have to be jealous.”  Tumalikod na ako bago pa niya makita ang nagbabantang mga luha sa aking mga mata.

Pagkatapos ng pangyayaring iyon, palagi ko na siyang sinasama para di siya maghinala na nilalayuan ko siya. I tried stopping my feelings for him pero di ko kaya. Every time I see him, mas lalo akong nagkakagusto sa kanya. Pero ang kasabay noon ay ang pag-iyak ko tuwing gabi. Parang nasasakal ako at di ako makahinga. He’s always showing me the pictures of the person he likes (at mostly mga lalaki hah!) and that made my heart sank. Parang gusto ko ng magpakamanhid para di ko na maramdaman ang lecheng sakit na to. 

To ease the feeling, I decided to have my OJT in Manila. Maybe, this is my answered prayer for me to forget the pain, forget my feelings for him and move on. Isang semester din akong mananatili doon.  I guess six months is not enough pero I need to try.  I already said goodbye to him and I promised myself that that October 14 would be the last day na iiyakan ko siya. 

I know it’s an unrequited love but I enjoyed every minute I had spent with him and I’ll treasure those memories for the rest of my life. He’s not my first love but still he will always be my soul-mate (because we are similar in many aspects). 

Kahit nasa malayo ako, siya pa rin ang nag-iisa kong super friend at ituturing ko na ‘pinaka’ sa lahat ng naging best friends ko.  I also promised him before we separate ways that when I come back, I’ll make sure that I’ll be a responsible and good best friend to him and will accept him for who he was, is, and will be, and when that day comes, I hope that that will be the start of our ‘something new’.