Isolated

If exclusion is intentional,

Shall I already isolate myself?

How far should I be reaching out to be reached out?

How hard should I work to fit in the circle?

If exclusion is intentional, then the answers are clear:

I should not reach out because I am not included from the beginning.

I should not work to fit to the circle because I am not welcome on the first place.

If exclusion is the intention, I too, shall isolate, intentionally.

 

Torments Quietly Uttered

I miss my old self; the happy and motivated me.
Why do I always feel like this?
For no freaking reason
I'm feel empty... unhappy.

I have my family, friends
Good life (Good career)
Everything is fine [.] [?]

BUT I feel unsatisfied
...Monotonous
...Empty
...Frustrated.

Everything seems pointless.
Do I even deserve to feel like this,
When there are others who have bigger problems than I have?

It's rather funny
Not deserving to be given attention,
Not even worthy to bother others.

So why bother continue?
It's the same ending.
It won't make any difference if I do it earlier, right?

I would even do the world a favor.

No use of existing if I'm not living it,
So it's okay to resolve to cutting, right?
No one will notice anyway.
This cuts will alleviate the pain.

This freaking unexplainable pain
Will calm the surging waves.

Jumping right away would definitely do the trick.
No one will notice.

Even if I disappear
No one will care.

What if Mag Work Tayo?

Matagal-tagal na rin mula ng tayo’y maging magkaibigan

Marami-rami na ring tawa at luha ag ating napagsaluhan

Random shits, laging napaguusapan

Feelings kaya natin, kailan?

Hindi mo lang kasi alam, ako’y sa’yo

Bawat galaw mo, napapansin ko

Bawat sulyap mo, natatandaan ko

Bawat ngiti mo, kinakikiligan ko

Kahit yung “hi” mo, namimiss ko.

Masaklap lang na di mo alam

Bulag ka ba? Smile ko pa lang halata na.

Blush ko pa lang, obvious na

Sulyap ko pa lang, sapul na.

Gusto mo bang hawakan pa kita ng mafeel mo na ako’y sayong-sayo?

Ng maramdaman mong malamig ang kamay ko sa tuwing magkasama tayo

Ng makuryente ka rin sa kilig kapag kausap mo ako.

What if… mag work tayo?

What if ako na pala ang hinahanap mo?

What is ako talaga yung para sa’yo?

Nandito lang naman ako,

What if…

Mahalin mo rin ako?

(Mahalin mo naman ako.)

In My Nakedness

In my nakedness

I am succumbed by this passionate desire

Inflamed by the richness of silence

Drowned in the velvet sea of unforgiving urge.

I grasp my breath as I caress my all

I close my eyes as I feel the eternal sensation

I bite my lips to cover the sweet erotic sound that comes from my soul

Slowly purging my physical existence.

The dew of my bliss slowly flows

As my fingers remorselessly dance around my skin

My legs have weakened apart as I surrender to the rush of blood inside my body

As I make mellow heavenly screams I try to hide my mouth kissing,

Kissing the shadows underneath my pillows.

As I reach the peak of this surreal experience

The feelings come to deepen, come to sharpen

The aroma begins to nourish me, nourish my femininity

The dance begins to intensify

It intensifies… intensifies… and

Hhhhhhhhh the sweet release of ecstasy…

One Love by Kreyan

I would never regret meeting you,
Even if I know where this path would lead us two.
For more than the pain that these whole thing put us through.
You are someone I know who's worth all the husle.
The world may throw me several why’s and how’s,
May question the love with you I think I found.
Do know my dear that with you, I’ll stick around
No matter what unfolds in this future of ours.
For even if the future would lead us to an end,
You are someone I would always love truly, my friend.
You are my love under the moonlight by the sea,
You’re my one true love even if I know its not meant to be.

My Accomplishments

I accepted the job thinking of helping more people [aside from getting higher salary].

Before this responsibility, I came from an organization that opened my senses to public service. One of my jobs was to listen and talk to people; sometimes, listening even to their rants and complaints to the government, to the system, and to other public servants.

We did not have targets. We did not have anything that quantifies what we do. The ones that kept us moving were the people and their overwhelming responses.

In my current job, we have dashboard. This dashboard comprises of targets and I don’t like the way they use technical aspects to quantify our job performances: number of diagnostic evaluations conducted, number of company profiles uploaded, number of product profiles prepared, number of seminars conducted, number of enterprises assisted, etc. These standards are too demotivating. 

I am that kind of person who does not give a damn with these measures. Who cares about targets anyway? I only comply because I am paid to.

If only they envision us as making an impact to the lives of our clients, they would have placed a more inspirational and a more emotionally-driven ideals. 

Being very functional does not mean being technical always. Most of the time, putting devotion and love to what you do and to the people you meet makes you more functional than those who try hard to reach the targets by any means.

If I would seriously take the dashboard, I can just make diagnostics, or fill up clients assistance forms, or could easily make profiles given the formats, or conduct seminars as many as I want to, but I never did! I would only be fooling not my supervisors, not the organization, not the people, but myself.

What good can it do to me if I perform in accordance to targets?

If only they put measures like number of smiles generated, number of confidence uplifted, number of most genuine “thank you”, quality of wisdom shared, number of people who brought back their trust to the government, number of hearts touched, and load of sentiments listened, the job would be more enriching and satisfying. These standards can never be put in our dashboard, but for me, these standards are my achievements.

The Never Delivered Letter of Intention

____ __. _______
Officer-in-Charge
___ - Sultan Kudarat
_______, Sultan Kudarat


Dear Ma'am ____:

I am writing this letter to express my humblest and purest intention not to be renewed as a Business Counselor.

Being a Business Counselor is one of the best upturn that happened to my life. But as time passes by, I realize that I become selfish of only thinking of the benefits I have acquired and will acquire through this experience. I always forget to remember who I was, when all I thought about was serving the people. Now, I only think of reaching the targets and not considering how I affect to the persons I meet everyday.

This experience has changed me a lot, and part of these changes is my continuing self pity and self depreciation. I believe that I am never competent for the career. I am less than what you expect me to be. All this time, I try to push myself to do better but every time I try harder, my heart and my mind resist the changes. My heart tells me that I am misplaced, really misplaced, in this endeavor. This is not me and this will never be me. To put it to perspective, I feel like a fish that is too ambitious to learn how to walk and breathe outside the waters.

After all, I prayed for this. To be honest, I first prayed to be part of DTI. God gave me what I prayed for and maybe this is His way of gradually exposing me to the realities of this world. That we should fit in to what skill and talent He gave us.

I am not deserving for this job. There are better persons who will really fit for this. No matter how hard I try to fix my besmirched esteem, I come to the point of falling more to the abyss of the all consuming void of my depression.

To make it clear, none of the people in our workplace contribute to this dilemma. This decision is powered by my own desire to be free of the standards I put to myself. This is my only opportunity to unleash myself with this burden I created. This is my only chance to start to love myself again.

Please help me bring back myself. Support me, Ma'am, in my decision. Thank you for understanding.


Respectfully yours,


JBA

Insecured

Early this morning, I woke up dull and exhausted. I did not know why I felt that way. Hours later, a sudden thought came to my mind: I am not good enough. I am no good at all.

This is my greatest insecurity. I am not smart. I feel like I’m always left behind by people who are far better than me. I feel alone. I always feel that I am useless. I always reach for the ideals of this society and I always fail. I envy people who succeed in whatever they undertake and I always blame myself for not doing better. I don’t even know how to do better or what’s better.

This insecurity is too much. Why do I always fall?

The Success Story of Elaine's Highland Products

The Humble Beginning

Entrepreneurship has already entered to the senses of Mrs. Roselyn D. Salazar during her early days as she had started buying and selling dry goods with her mother—one of the pioneering entrepreneurs in Masiag, Bagumbayan, Sultan Kudarat.

In 1996, she undertook financing business for farm inputs with an initial capital of 300,000 from her own equity. This project lasted for twelve years before she engaged herself into mini grocery store in 2008 with an initial capital of P1,000,000. In 2008, she merged the grocery store to her newly opened bakeshop and registered it in the name Elaine’s Bakeshop and General Merchandise.

On April 2016, she started venturing into processing and selling of organic food products with an initial capital of P100,000 that was used to invest for additional cooking equipment and pre-operating expenses such as licenses, packing supplies, and inbound logistics of raw materials. Her supplies of raw materials come from her farm at Masiag, Bagumbayan, Sultan Kudarat.

Issues and Challenges

She now concentrated on her organic products. On the early stage after the opening of her new venture, she began contracting sari-sari stores around the neighborhood. She planned to enter malls, eateries, and restaurants within Isulan and Tacurong. She also saw the need for expansion after a certain period of processing when she already could not cover some orders as she also aimed more and more sales.

Negosyo Center Intervention

Mrs. Salazar has attended a couple of seminars conducted at the Negosyo Center of Isulan. One of which was the Seminar on Costing and Pricing where she learned how to derive the cost of her products and how to use these costs to formulate a mark up enough to cover all costs and expenses. The other seminar was on Packaging and Labeling where after such, she introduced to the market her new labeled products. After the her labels were presented, she penetrated Isulan Central Plaza, Bidz Inasal, Carlitos’ Chicken, and Fitmart Tacurong.

On November of 2016, she reached out to the Negosyo Center of Isulan to make her products be included in the mounting of trade fairs in Kalimudan Festival. Fortunately, with Negosyo Center of Isulan, in partnership with the Local Government Unit of Isulan, the request was approved and it paved way for her products to be displayed at the said event. She earned more than P90,000 in this trade fair.

Aspirations

Elaine’s Bakeshop and General Merchandise will expand production plant in Isulan, Sultan Kudarat. The proposed location of the plant will be inside the idle space of the owner’s house. Mrs. Roselyn D. Salazar started to participate in the “Kapatid Mentor Me” Program by the Department of Trade and Industry last October 2016 up till December 2016 and this program has helped her formulate business improvement plan with the active assistance of the Business Counselors of Isulan assign for her.

She also plans to change the name of her entity into Elaine’s Highland Products in conformance to her newly introduced organic goods such as peanut derivatives, banana chips, turmeric, salabat, and MorTurCo (Moringa-Turmeric-Coco Sugar).

Rest assured that the Business Counselors of the Negosyo Center of Isulan will monitor her success in the coming periods.

The Biggest Irony

I love my job.

I love serving people.

I love teaching them some business stuff.

I love every time I see the smiles on their faces during and after my discussions.

The thing is... I AM TIRED!

I am tired of all the drama.

I am tired of all the papers.

I am tired of my employment status.

I am tired of the dashboards... the targets.

I am tired of all the places.

I am tired of how they hold my neck.

Too irritating.

Too suffocating.

Too stressing.

I have no idea how long can I adjust to these.

Farewell Letter for Boss

October 03, 2016

Trinidad C. Ponteres

Revenue Officer III

Bureau of Internal Revenue

Koronadal City, South Cotabato

Dear Ma’am Trining:

I am writing this letter to formally notify you, ma’am, that I am resigning from my role as your assistant. Thank you for being a part of my professional and personal growth.

For the past nine months, you have been my boss, supervisor, teacher, friend, and grandmother. You have taught things that I would embrace for the rest of my life. Nine months may not be long enough, but what matters is that I cherish every working moment I had with you.

You disciplined me how to love my job. You demonstrated me how to be patient. You showed me how to be prudent. You enlightened me with your humility. You urged me to dream higher. You prepared me to be a person worthy for a profession.

Thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for your unwavering belief. Thank you for your encouragement. ‘Thank you’ is not even enough to express my gratitude for you, but believe me, my simplest ‘thank you’ sums up all my appreciation and gratefulness that once in my life, there is one Ma’am Trining who guided me.

This is not goodbye, not even an end of a beautiful book: this is just the beginning of a new chapter.

You are and will always be my Ma’am Trining. God bless you, Ma’am.

Truly yours,

(signed) Jo

What now?

Now I'm torn between "moving forward" and "fighting harder".  I really do not know what to do or where to go. I do not even know what's the pros and cons between the two.

Lessons I have Learned from my Job… so far.

All I planned was to work while waiting for the board exam, just to have fun for (almost) every day that I waste doing nothing.

Now, it’s complicated.

I am under two offices: one, in my employer [the one who hired me] and two, in my workplace [the one where I am assigned]. In the eyes of my employer, I am just an un-appointed job order employee [not even contractual or casual] and estopped as a utility worker. They assigned me in an office not directly related to them.  However, in the eyes of my boss [the one I’m working for], I am her assistant. Yes, by form, I am a utility worker, but by substance, I am an administrative assistant doing what my boss also does except for one thing, to sign.

I love my job.  I never expected that in my first official job, I’d be doing lots of productive things. Every day, I talk to people [the best part of my job]. Every day, I scrutinize and audit papers. Every day, I learn new overwhelming and fascinating lessons—not only the ones I can use in my upcoming board exam, but also, lessons about life.

It’s also very helpful to know that your workplace likes you, your boss likes you.  My boss makes me feel that I can manage, that I am smart, and that it’s very stressful for her without me. She never fails to share her wisdom every day. I take everything she says and never misses the most important ones.

Here are some reflections I pondered in my job:

1. Substance over form. It’s not the position that matters; it’s the responsibility.

2. Love your job but do not be too attached with your workplace.

3. In your first job, it’s not about the money, it’s about the learning and experience.

4. Labeling of others is not important and should be disregarded. They do not know what you do and who you are.

5. Be humble and elastic.

6. Not everybody will like you and not everybody will bother to know who you are. Just do what you must.

7. Our God is never selfish and will never be. He grants prayers in His time. Just pray with a thankful heart, always.

8. Be proud of your skills. Be proud, not boastful.

9. Achievements never have time frames.

10. Focus on the things that interest you.

11. If you don’t know something, ask. Don’t pretend you know everything.

12. Respect is earned regardless of where you stand in the society.

13. Every person is unique. In public service, stay in the middle.

14. Don’t be ashamed of what you do. You are working, you are a taxpayer, and you are not nobody in your community.

15. Your mind and your heart are your greatest weapons.

I Will... Will She?

I will love her still…

Despite all of her imperfections;

Despite how messed up her life was;

Despite how messed up she was.

But the thing is…

Will she ever let me?

Pace

I have not failed from this life…
Life has given me chances

I have not walked this path meaningless…
This path has shared me its meaning.

It’s not about how different the feelings were,
It’s about the change… the overwhelming change.

It’s not just about moving on, but about moving forward.
It’s not about the winning, but about the effort, the fight, the pursuit.

Start here, not from the very beginning,
Because believe it or not, you are not the same person you were back then.

Stupid Me

You were the reason for my poems,
no… you were the poems.
I have lost you years ago
But after I heard you and that guy
were over now,
I began writing poems again
for no reason.
No… I have... YOU.
You are still my poetry
And I hate myself
For not really moving on;
for not forgetting;
For not getting you off my mind
completely.

"Would You?" by Kreyan

If I tell you how much you mean to me, would you believe me?
That I want to be with you most of the time, I just couldn't tell you.
I just couldn't let you know for I fear what I foresee
I fear the thought of you ignoring me.

If I tell you I still like you, would we stay the same? Would you?
I have always been wanting some attention from you, but I see no interest, nothing to argue.
I am waiting for the day when you would finally say “good morning” first,
Ask me how I am, until we reach the “good night” and “sweet dreams” one.

You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting long conversations with you
I know I can't demand, I don't have the right to
And this is what I’m terrified about, now I’m telling you I’m afraid
I can’t help myself but fall, its cliché but it’s true.

It’s been troubling me for days; this thing I have for you
I am afraid of letting you know because I know you don’t feel the same way too But I want to take this move to be able to free myself
Of the consequence of silent kill when feelings are deepened and kept

You have no idea how freakin' scared I am
I've written so many poems like this, but I have never been this nervous
Thoughts have been so unorganized, rumbling on my mind, they won’t collide Been really wondering how am I going to make things right

If I tell you I want to take care of you, would you allow me?
I have been wanting to scold you whenever you're being stubborn and mean
I want to make you feel how special you are, and it wouldn't be temporary
Coz you deserve all the love that last, that would break all your walls of superiority

I want to be your pillow to hold on tight
Shoulder that you'd need when you feel like crying
I want to be your best friend, someone who'd matter in your life
I want to be that someone you would love to be by your side

Well,
All I really want to say is that I would love to love you
And when I say love, everything, good or bad, comes with it too
I am just here to make you feel how special you are to me
Someone I would cherish and respect, if only you'd allow me.

-Kreyan-

So Simple

I’d rather be alone than be with someone like you.
Someone who dictates me what to do;
Someone who judges me based on blind human standards.

The choice is between you accept me for who I am
Or I assume I don't know you from the very beginning.
So simple.

"Heartful Loveful"

A friend posted this last time.

This is so cute! You could really feel the purity and sincerity of a child herein.

Review Ready?

My life is not a book but a library.

Next months will be a new book added to my library: my review for the CPA board exam. Am I ready? Well I thought I would never be. My mood toward exerting for the review seemed so stagnant until last night…

To whoever would ask why I decided to review near, I was always answering that all I need is in our house and in the review center here… but I was lying. The reason was that I am never too confident to pass the board exam and the loss I computed from reviewing there is far too heavy than the loss I will bear here.

I could not find inspiration to what I would do next. However, last night, a thought came to me after I prayed in silence.  I remembered my parents.  They are the ones who brought me to school. They are the ones responsible why I got where I am now. They are the ones who work hard, who always sacrifice for me. I remembered all the efforts they have given when I was a child until now.  I remembered all the sweat, all the tears they have shown all the years of my life. I remembered how at times I was a waste, a rebel, and a stubborn, and I have not mind all of that.

I felt ashamed after I realized that.

YES, I WAS WRONG. And I spent the whole night thanking God for slapping me the truth and asking Him for His forgiveness.

Now I know… I really know.  I will do all of these because of them, my parents.  I won’t let their efforts be put to nothing. I promise to be the person they want me to be, and, as God wants me to become.

I believe, it’s not the review center that makes the aspirant pass; it is the aspirant who makes a name for himself with the assistance of the review center. In my case, I know I need to exert extra effort, but I’m willing to take the challenge.

It’s final. I’m taking the CPA Board Exam!