Isolated

If exclusion is intentional,

Shall I already isolate myself?

How far should I be reaching out to be reached out?

How hard should I work to fit in the circle?

If exclusion is intentional, then the answers are clear:

I should not reach out because I am not included from the beginning.

I should not work to fit to the circle because I am not welcome on the first place.

If exclusion is intention, I too, shall isolate, intentionally.

 

Torments Quietly Uttered

I miss my old self; the happy and motivated me.
Why do I always feel like this?
For no freaking reason
I'm feel empty... unhappy.

I have my family, friends
Good life (Good career)
Everything is fine [.] [?]

BUT I feel unsatisfied
...Monotonous
...Empty
...Frustrated.

Everything seems pointless.
Do I even deserve to feel like this,
When there are others who have bigger problems than I have?

It's rather funny
Not deserving to be given attention,
Not even worthy to bother others.

So why bother continue?
It's the same ending.
It won't make any difference if I do it earlier, right?

I would even do the world a favor.

No use of existing if I'm not living it,
So it's okay to resolve to cutting, right?
No one will notice anyway.
This cuts will alleviate the pain.

This freaking unexplainable pain
Will calm the surging waves.

Jumping right away would definitely do the trick.
No one will notice.

Even if I disappear
No one will care.

What if Mag Work Tayo?

Matagal-tagal na rin mula ng tayo’y maging magkaibigan

Marami-rami na ring tawa at luha ag ating napagsaluhan

Random shits, laging napaguusapan

Feelings kaya natin, kailan?

Hindi mo lang kasi alam, ako’y sa’yo

Bawat galaw mo, napapansin ko

Bawat sulyap mo, natatandaan ko

Bawat ngiti mo, kinakikiligan ko

Kahit yung “hi” mo, namimiss ko.

Masaklap lang na di mo alam

Bulag ka ba? Smile ko pa lang halata na.

Blush ko pa lang, obvious na

Sulyap ko pa lang, sapul na.

Gusto mo bang hawakan pa kita ng mafeel mo na ako’y sayong-sayo?

Ng maramdaman mong malamig ang kamay ko sa tuwing magkasama tayo

Ng makuryente ka rin sa kilig kapag kausap mo ako.

What if… mag work tayo?

What if ako na pala ang hinahanap mo?

What is ako talaga yung para sa’yo?

Nandito lang naman ako,

What if…

Mahalin mo rin ako?

(Mahalin mo naman ako.)

In My Nakedness

In my nakedness

I am succumbed by this passionate desire

Inflamed by the richness of silence

Drowned in the velvet sea of unforgiving urge.

I grasp my breath as I caress my all

I close my eyes as I feel the eternal sensation

I bite my lips to cover the sweet erotic sound that comes from my soul

Slowly purging my physical existence.

The dew of my bliss slowly flows

As my fingers remorselessly dance around my skin

My legs have weakened apart as I surrender to the rush of blood inside my body

As I make mellow heavenly screams I try to hide my mouth kissing,

Kissing the shadows underneath my pillows.

As I reach the peak of this surreal experience

The feelings come to deepen, come to sharpen

The aroma begins to nourish me, nourish my femininity

The dance begins to intensify

It intensifies… intensifies… and

Hhhhhhhhh the sweet release of ecstasy…

One Love by Kreyan

I would never regret meeting you,
Even if I know where this path would lead us two.
For more than the pain that these whole thing put us through.
You are someone I know who's worth all the husle.
The world may throw me several why’s and how’s,
May question the love with you I think I found.
Do know my dear that with you, I’ll stick around
No matter what unfolds in this future of ours.
For even if the future would lead us to an end,
You are someone I would always love truly, my friend.
You are my love under the moonlight by the sea,
You’re my one true love even if I know its not meant to be.

My Accomplishments

I accepted the job thinking of helping more people [aside from getting higher salary].

Before this responsibility, I came from an organization that opened my senses to public service. One of my jobs was to listen and talk to people; sometimes, listening even to their rants and complaints to the government, to the system, and to other public servants.

We did not have targets. We did not have anything that quantifies what we do. The ones that kept us moving were the people and their overwhelming responses.

In my current job, we have dashboard. This dashboard comprises of targets and I don’t like the way they use technical aspects to quantify our job performances: number of diagnostic evaluations conducted, number of company profiles uploaded, number of product profiles prepared, number of seminars conducted, number of enterprises assisted, etc. These standards are too demotivating. 

I am that kind of person who does not give a damn with these measures. Who cares about targets anyway? I only comply because I am paid to.

If only they envision us as making an impact to the lives of our clients, they would have placed a more inspirational and a more emotionally-driven ideals. 

Being very functional does not mean being technical always. Most of the time, putting devotion and love to what you do and to the people you meet makes you more functional than those who try hard to reach the targets by any means.

If I would seriously take the dashboard, I can just make diagnostics, or fill up clients assistance forms, or could easily make profiles given the formats, or conduct seminars as many as I want to, but I never did! I would only be fooling not my supervisors, not the organization, not the people, but myself.

What good can it do to me if I perform in accordance to targets?

If only they put measures like number of smiles generated, number of confidence uplifted, number of most genuine “thank you”, quality of wisdom shared, number of people who brought back their trust to the government, number of hearts touched, and load of sentiments listened, the job would be more enriching and satisfying. These standards can never be put in our dashboard, but for me, these standards are my achievements.

The Never Delivered Letter of Intention

____ __. _______
Officer-in-Charge
___ - Sultan Kudarat
_______, Sultan Kudarat


Dear Ma'am ____:

I am writing this letter to express my humblest and purest intention not to be renewed as a Business Counselor.

Being a Business Counselor is one of the best upturn that happened to my life. But as time passes by, I realize that I become selfish of only thinking of the benefits I have acquired and will acquire through this experience. I always forget to remember who I was, when all I thought about was serving the people. Now, I only think of reaching the targets and not considering how I affect to the persons I meet everyday.

This experience has changed me a lot, and part of these changes is my continuing self pity and self depreciation. I believe that I am never competent for the career. I am less than what you expect me to be. All this time, I try to push myself to do better but every time I try harder, my heart and my mind resist the changes. My heart tells me that I am misplaced, really misplaced, in this endeavor. This is not me and this will never be me. To put it to perspective, I feel like a fish that is too ambitious to learn how to walk and breathe outside the waters.

After all, I prayed for this. To be honest, I first prayed to be part of DTI. God gave me what I prayed for and maybe this is His way of gradually exposing me to the realities of this world. That we should fit in to what skill and talent He gave us.

I am not deserving for this job. There are better persons who will really fit for this. No matter how hard I try to fix my besmirched esteem, I come to the point of falling more to the abyss of the all consuming void of my depression.

To make it clear, none of the people in our workplace contribute to this dilemma. This decision is powered by my own desire to be free of the standards I put to myself. This is my only opportunity to unleash myself with this burden I created. This is my only chance to start to love myself again.

Please help me bring back myself. Support me, Ma'am, in my decision. Thank you for understanding.


Respectfully yours,


JBA

Insecured

Early this morning, I woke up dull and exhausted. I did not know why I felt that way. Hours later, a sudden thought came to my mind: I am not good enough. I am no good at all.

This is my greatest insecurity. I am not smart. I feel like I’m always left behind by people who are far better than me. I feel alone. I always feel that I am useless. I always reach for the ideals of this society and I always fail. I envy people who succeed in whatever they undertake and I always blame myself for not doing better. I don’t even know how to do better or what’s better.

This insecurity is too much. Why do I always fall?